Defeated

Today I was told that Olivier is finally ear-infection free, for the first time since last fall.

Today I was also told that he no longer is considered as having a speech delay. The fact that he can sometimes do 3-word sentences was a pretty good sign.

Today I was told by students that they appreciate my teaching, and they also asked me if I was teaching the following course in their cursus in September. I don't know. But I'd love to.

Today, by all account, was therefore a great day. I even managed to take a shower while Olivier roamed about (and didn't do anything foolish).

Then why do I feel defeated?
Because I'm tired. Because I sometimes have to deal with other people's anger and issues and it gets too much. I'm not good with conflict. I tend to disappear. Even if it destroys me.

But it's also because, for the past 3 months, I've been trying to get pregnant, and the hormones are messing me up. You're not supposed to say that, especially when you're my age, and single. But here it is: fertility drugs are hard on your body and your mind. Hiding it serves no purpose. Just like hiding a miscarriage is counterproductive. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that next month, it'll finally work. Because today I feel defeated and it's not a good feeling to have, even when you are lucky enough to have this wonderful and crazy little human being calling you Maman and giving you wet kisses full of trust.