The Tale of Alfred the Spider

The true story of Alfred the spider, told in three vignettes . . . (Includes Actual Married-People Conversations!)

Starring:
Alfred, the brave spider of indeterminate gender,
My husband, care taker of all creatures great and small in yard and house, and
Me, the teller of the tale

~~~

A few months ago, we discovered a medium-sized spider living in the laundry room. My husband named it Alfred and began bringing snacks to its web: flies, gnats, the occasional dead yellow jacket.

I came home from work last week to learn that my husband had discovered Alfred guarding a big egg sac. He wasn't so sure we relished the thought of a hundred tiny spiders being released in the laundry room.

So my husband carefully caught Alfred and placed his egg sac with him in a small Really Useful Box, which he then placed (lid sitting atop slightly closed, slightly ajar) on the front porch.

I asked how Alfred was doing a day or two later, and my husband checked the container. Reported sadly, "Alfred's gone on walkabout." But then the next morning: great happiness!

On the front porch, my husband turned one of the little yard tables upside down, and guess who we found! There underneath the table were Alfred and his egg sac, moved in, happy as pie! Hooray! 

Me: Um, did you ever consider . . . that Alfred might be . . . a girl?
Husband: *dead silence* Well . . . I guess so? Alfreda?
Me: We can still call him Alfred if you want. . . .

~~~

Last Sunday afternoon, I found my husband standing on the front porch, with the little table upside down. Under the table were Alfred, his egg sac, and a rather large dead bug.

Husband: I gave Alfred a snack.
Me: Wait, let me get a picture.
Husband: A picture of Alfred? Why?
Me: For his fan base.
Husband: ALFRED HAS A FAN BASE!???
Me: Yes, of course. FOR HIS FAN BASE.
Husband: You told them about Alfred?
Me: Yes. I did! And . . . isn't that bug too big? He won't like it!
Husband: Oh yes he will. I've given him MUCH larger bugs than this - he ate a full-size wasp once!
Me: Well, OK then . . .

~~~

Husband: When are you going to tell them about Alfred's good fortune?

Friday evening, my husband picked up the table on the front porch and checked to see how Alfred was doing. Guess what: Alfred totally ate the huge bug (all that was left was a husk, which fell out when the table was lifted).

And Alfred is now the proud owner of not just one but TWO egg sacs!

Husband, proudly: Alfred adjusted, adapted, and is thriving!!!!!

My husband has also announced that once the egg sacs have hatched, he will make an offer to Alfred to move back into the laundry room before winter comes. But only if he wants to. You know spiders. They have minds of their own.

And me, well, I'm thinking about knitting Alfred the tiniest sweater. With lots of tiny arm-holes, of course! The mornings are getting chilly; we wouldn't want him to get cold now, would we, as he's got a family to look out for!

The soundtrack: Clarence Clemons & Jackson Browne, You're a Friend of Mine.