Breaking my silence...

I wasn't sure if I was going to tell anyone about what's happened...but I think writing about it may help.

On 7th July, I found out I was pregnant. Me and my boyfriend hadn't been together all that long so it was a shock. Nevertheless, I've always thought that kids are going to be a big part of my future.
The excitement set in. I got my scan through, the food cravings had started and me and Luke had even started thinking of names. In utero, our little bundle was called Jellybean.
Things seemed to all be progressing well.
Until 9th august. I'd had a day off work and me and Luke had spent some time together. We'd had a lovely day, but when we got back, something felt weird. I went to the loo and noticed I was bleeding. In a panic, I called the local ward, to be laughed at. Actually laughed out for asking a question about what was normal and what wasn't. They may hear these stupid questions every day, but I don't ask them every day.
I hung up the phone and called NHS Direct who recommended that I go to the Out of Hours doctor who promptly sent me to the very ward where I'd been laughed at and I saw the very same woman who'd laughed at me.
After she continued to be rude, I'd decided enough was enough and I just wanted to leave. The pain had died down and the bleeding had stopped. Probably just that elusive cramping that a lot of pregnant women get.
The next day I went to work as normal, only for the bleeding to begin again and the cramping to become worse. I called the Early Pregnancy Unit who scheduled an emergency scan.
Once me and Luke got to this, I was scanned. The sonographer then revealed there was a tiny gestational sac that could only be attributed to a 5 week old embryo. She couldn't see anything in it.
This means one of two things.
The least likely is that I am 4 weeks out with my dates and I am carrying a 5 week old embryo. This is near on impossible as I took a test 1 day after my missed period which came up possible. I'd have been 4 weeks pregnant by then. If I was somehow 4 weeks wrong with my dates then that would mean the pregnancy test had shown up positive 1-2 days after conception which I'm sure most people know is totally impossible.
The second, far more likely, option is that Jellybean progressed to 5 weeks and then just stopped and my body has only just realised it, hence why I've only just started bleeding.
The most frustrating thing is that they wouldnt say I'd definitely miscarried. They're not allowed to.
So I have to now go back on 21st of this month for a follow up scan. I believe this scan is to check my body has done its job and miscarried on its own.
I am now left to grieve. I was inconsolable yesterday and today it just comes in waves. Sometimes I'm feeling ok, able to have a laugh, other times I'm in a ball, crying my eyes out. Either way, its 3:30pm and I haven't moved out of bed. I can't face it.
I know Luke is suffering too. He hardly slept last night and is now curled up at the bottom of the bed sleeping.
I cant handle anymore grief. In just over 2 months, I've lost a family pet, a friend, my nanna and now my baby.
Everyone around me has been wonderful. My parents, as always, have been very supportive and even managed to raise a few laughs from me yesterday. My sister rang me the minute she found out and updated her facebook status sending out her wishes too. The eldest of my brothers hugged me and talked to me about it. My little brother, who I've always been incredibly close to, fell into my arms when he found out. Hugged me whilst he cried. It broke my heart.
My friends who knew have also been incredibly supportive. I chose only to tell a few people..didn't want to jinx it. The support has been overwhelming.
I mostly want to thank my other half. He is my rock. After all, its our baby we lost. He kept my spirits up yesterday whilst we waited to find out the bad news and hugged me to sleep last night. He's an amazing person and I know he would have been an amazing dad too. Now was just not the time. He will be a dad one day though.
Luke, I love you with all my heart. We'll go back to our original plan :) Everything is going to be ok.

To my little Jellybean,
I never met you, but in the 5 weeks I believed you were there inside me, I grew to love you. You clearly were not destined for this world. So you're now another star in heaven. I hope Nanna is looking after you. When I found out I was pregnant with you, one of the only things that upset me is that the amazing crazy Irish Nanna of mine would never get to meet you. Little did I know that she would be the only person who would!

The tears are streaming now. I can't write anymore.