Where's the fekkin' tooth fairy?

She owes me big time. But first I have an award to make. And it goes to a dentist....for her steely lack of empathy in the face of a middle aged wifey meltdown. My other award goes to....me.....(because I'm worth it and these are my fantasy awards so I can do what I want)...and it's for the most spectacular meltdown from an otherwise bog standard emotionally repressed Aberdonian (you've met us, we are legion, it takes us ages to work up to a hug, but when we do hug, we secretly enjoy it).

And just what had brought this to-do about? Just what had made me want to spend that evening trying not to have a massive princess toddler tantrum on the floor? (which, again, just to be clear would be totally unaberdonian behaviour, you can get thrown out of the (veggie) rowie club for for far less)

Well, it's because the cold hearted dentrix whipped out the dodgy crown and shoved in a denture!! A fekkin' denture!!! "A denture I cried!", "I'm 44, old grannies have dentures, not me, I'm forever young, I dance in the coop, read that sh*t magazine Grazia (shhh, did I just admit that?) and can still remember what I went into a room for (at least half the time anyway)".

After recovering from the instant gag reflex at the Replica batman shield being shoved onto the roof of my mouth, followed by just about managing not to throw up on the uniformed harbinger of drills, my feeble wee girl tears arrived (that's it, I've now been banished from Aberdeen), to which, she mockingly said, "I've not even treated you today what's the tears for?" To be fair, the only time I nearly cried before was when she told me the price of a dental implant. Two minutes of that denture sucker in my cake hole and the (bloody massive) matter of payment went out the windae and I said "get that implant ordered!"

So it turns out that even going for the implant means I have to wear the batman shield (I'm avoiding saying the D word from here on in), for 3 or 4 months. It makes me lisp, I sound like Sean Connery playing that Spanish dude in Highlander. And don't get me started on the blimmin' polywhatsits, that stuff that glues the bat shield to my over sensitive cakehole so that it doesn't fly out mid sentence, or mid presentation at work, that's if they understand me over my lisp. The only upside is I can go method at this year's Halloween dress up party, the theme is pirates. I don't need to black up my tooth, I've got the real missing deal, front and centre. I'll be like Tom Cruise going chipped tooth method in the Outsiders (stay gold pony girl). I seriously think this must be worse than having to use Tena lady. But obviously I'll overshare when that milestone arrives and I'll scientifically compare the two.