I was too...

...emotionally upset earlier. My cochlear appointment this afternoon. The audiologist said that as I get older my brain is not able to process incoming sound as well any more which is why I am not doing so well at hearing.

If that is the case, then why do cochlear implants on older people, and people like me who have been profoundly deaf since birth? My implant was about 7 years ago.

All this work to try and hear, and my brain in its old age (I am only late 60's) now decides it is having problems processing incoming sound.

I have enough other health problems without all this effort with the cochlear operation and me learning to hear and process sounds.

Some of the others in my cochlear support group have had severe problems, and it was beginning to alarm me somewhat with the deterioration of a couple of them where their implant wasn't working any more.

But I decided that was not going to be me.

However, being told today by the audiologist that the brain, as you get older has problems processing sound, and in my case it is now having difficulties.

I am trying to lipread and take all this in.

Inwardly I am fuming and furious. Every emotion is going through me.

The audiologist finally tests me again (I was tested six weeks ago and that person made a mess of my remapping and I have not been able to hear or make sense of sound the last six weeks...I have struggled so much) and today's audiologist changes the mapping, brings some higher levels down. Changes some. Does something else which is something independent to me and her which inputs sound to me (which by the way I cannot hear and I do not have to react to even if I do hear it) and automatically readjusts the mapping levels.

Then she switches me on...

And begins talking...

I have no idea what my face is like at this point, but I can feel it is the face that J. used to say made him wither and quake in his shoes. Then I realise the audiologist is shaking.

Inside of me I have every emotion going and anger is one of them. And I am thinking Oh sh*t is this my hearing from now on because I cannot hear her properly and there is so much distortion in her voice.

Then she tells me she will email Cochlear and ask them their advice, and arranges another appointment for me at a bigger hospital with more extensive testing equipment.

She is still shaking.

Finally I ask her is there any way I can help my brain. She tells me to immerse myself in speech every second of the day, which is a little difficult for someone who lives on her own and doesn't have a television.

I do out out and meet people several times a week, but my arthritis and other problems exhaust me.

I am stunned all the way home and emotionally very upset. The cats figure this out when I get in. They aren't sure whether to run or stay. But I go to bed because I really can't cope at all at that moment and I fall asleep. I wake up to three heavy cats sleeping on top of me.

Now I have had some rest I am getting my fighting mode back. I cannot do anything else. There is no other way to be.

I have just had to clear out the boiler cupboard because the gas service man is coming tomorrow.

Then I realised I couldn't access my painting stuff to do my pic a day. So all I could access were these gel pens which I have never used before. While I did this 'portrait' of myself, I was thinking of my 17 year old self and my pink lipstick and blue eye makeup.

So this is my picture today for my challenge to myself of a pic every day in 2017.

Sorry I haven't replied to comments but I will do tomorrow and catch up while I am waiting for the gas man. I am off to sleep now. It is late.