Today...

I went to St Winefriede's Holy Well.

I was in need of respite from yesterday's trauma.

Brain is like a damp squib. It is spaced out again.

I can access Programs 1 and 2 easily by remote. They are the two main programs. And I am sure I have the right program this time, because there is something about the sound that reminds me of the massive remapping in the hospital over a month ago when processor was connected to the computer. So I feel reassured here.

I was awake at 4 am, but it was stormy winds and rain, so no bird listening this morning.

Got to the Well early so I would have peace and quiet this time. I was going to sketch on site today, but the rain and wind was bad. So I took photos and decided to sketch from them when I got home.

When I was about to cross the road to get to the Well I realised I couldn't hear the cars at all (in fact it was unnerving driving because all sounds are different and they are oriented differently is the only way I can describe it, but I talked my way here taking the slower back route).

It is not a safe hill to cross, a bit of a blind bend either side and the traffic all speeding over the 30 mile limit. You have to park other side in car park. So I stopped at side of road about 5 minutes watching and listening, but I wasn't picking up on the sounds of cars. So in the end I could only check by line of sight. And I was fine.

Went into the Well and up to St Winefriede and took photos. It was too cold to sketch. Took more photos. Said prayers. Felt at peace. Looking at The Virgin Mary's face and she smiled. The corners of her mouth had upturned. She was smiling. I smiled too.

Then I realised I could hear something outside. So I went out. All manner of birds were flying over. Ravens, and then wood pigeons and then smaller birds.

I could hear something, but all sounds so far this morning have been what I describe as harsh and discordant. And the birds cries were harsh and discordant and all the same.

To see them I had to stand in the rain. I leant against a wall to keep a bit dry. And I listened and listened and listened...eventually I thought I might have heard a Wood Pigeon (I was so glad I had done those pencil drawings that I posted on Blipfoto the last few weeks...it was helping me today), then gradually the smaller birds sounds gradually came into hearing focus (is the only way I can describe this), but I don't have anything like what I had before...yet.

Then suddenly I realised all the bird sounds were literally cacophonous...and tremendously loud.

All this time the cars, lorries, and buses are driving past in front of me. And I cannot hear them drive past except for a odd discordant harsh noise.

Then I hear something different. Not a bird, but another varying sound, but it was so faint. Then suddenly a police car rounds the bend and is flashing its lights. So that faint varying sound was the sirens I presume.

Above the noise of the police car, the cacophony of discordant birdsong is tons and tons louder than the police car.

This doesn't quite make sense to me.

Anyway at this point I get the remote out and change to Program 2 which apparently is the same as program 1 but it doesn't have scan (I must google this Scan again to fully understand it. I did read the PDF I downloaded on it but it went over my head last night).

Then with Program 2 the cacophonous birdsong quietens dramatically to almost nothing, and the traffic gets noisier and noisier. So I stand and listen again just to the traffic. It was one continuous noise initially and very harsh and discordant. I can only assume it is my nerve endings jangling with the shock of this.

So if I am crossing a road, I need this processor on Program 2!

Then I was ready to leave the Holy Well...feet bathed...hands bathed...a bottle of holy water...

So the rest of the day went like this with me experimenting between Programs 1 & 2.

I did work brain hard today even though it was a day for me and nice breakfast etc.

Worked also today on listening to stranger's voices in cafes, and shop assistants etc.

Only 2 people in the breakfast cafe...it was big enough, loads tables, but they sat on the table next to me?!?

All I could hear was discordant noise from them. Then I got remote out and swapped programs until one program seemed to be picking them up a little and the sound was less discordant.

Then the cafe owner/chef comes over and presumably asks me if everything is okay. I cannot make out one word of what he is saying even though he is directing his words at me. I cannot even lipread him. I just say everything is fine and hope those are the right words.

It is now 12:30 and I have stretched out this breakfast and coffee over two and a half hours....to give brain practice.

I went to do a bit of shopping to listen in the shops. But this new mapping is very disconcerting. It is like sound is disoriented and out of sync in some way. I cannot make out at all what till assistants are saying. It is like a foreign language still.

I got home tired and slept a few hours. But I still didn't feel up to anything. Was feeling angry again. I was angry. This was no good. Tried meditation again. Then I saw on my phone alert about Notre Dame. This is too much.

Then I realised I had to cancel tomorrow...it was 100 mile round trip for a meeting. No way could I have done it. I am annoyed this mistake of the audiologist's is now impacting on my private life.

This morning I was awake at 4 am and was going to try to listen to the dawn chorus but it was blowing a storm and pouring with rain. Maybe I will try in the morning.

This painting is of the smiling Madonna and laughing child. It was in the Gateway Chapel at St Winefriede's. So this my painting for today.

I wrote this in bits and pieces during the day.

[Sounds were drastically changed after the drastic remapping of my cochlear processor over a month ago. I am readjusting to the different sounds, which are actually vastly different, as it is now suggested I was never mapped properly in the first place which is why I have struggled the last few years.]