Beyond the Bale....

'So let me get this straight' said my mother, 'he wasn't the Morningside Murderer. You're alive?'
She sounded slightly disappointed.
'No, I'm speaking to you from The Other Side,' I said. 'Actually, it's quite a funny story.....'
She interrupted. 'Don't be sarcastic. If anything happened to you....' she paused, and I thought for a moment she was overcome with emotion.
Then she continued, 'I'd hate to have to take Genghis. He blackmails me.'
'He blackmails you? My cat blackmails you?'
'Oh yes. If I don't give him enough of those biscuits he likes, he goes next door and lies outside their conservatory, miaowing pathetically, and pretending he's too weak to lift a paw.
They always fall for it. The number of times that woman's tutted at me over the garden wall..... it's embarrassing. They don't seem to notice that the moment they've fed him, he starts stalking their tortoise...'
'So you're pleased I'm not dead because you don't want the neighbours to tut at you?'
'Don't be silly,' she said. 'I'm off to London next week......a funeral would be very inconvenient.'

Sometimes, I actually think she means it....