Milton Jones is Out There!
Four of us set off this evening for Bristol to see Milton Jones live in his 'Milton Jones is Out There' show. Left to right, Me, Ian, Joanne, Daniel.
Thanks for the tickets Johanna, it was a great evening. XX
He was, as I knew he would be, brilliantly funny. I had to wipe tears away a couple of times.
For those that don't know him he is famous for his one liner jokes, play on words, and appearing on panel shows where comedy is key.
Last one of the show
"If you don't remember anything from tonight remember this, it may come in handy.
I've stopped washing dishes, I've got four rooms full of dirty dishes. So when a loved one dies and someone says "If there's ANYTHING I can do" ..........................'
And some of his one liners from the internet.
Milton Jones Short Jokes
I was mugged by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. Ha ha, I thought, you can hide but you can’t run.
If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that.
Militant feminists: I take my hat off to them. They don’t like that.
So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned dial a lama.
I was walking along the road the other day and on the pavement I saw a white baby ghost. However, come to think of it, it may have been a tissue.
I don’t know if you’ve ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.
I’m very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, ‘how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbours’. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details.”
Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don’t think so…retired “mermaids.”
If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.