I went...

...this morning to renew my insurance.

She spoke so fast it was impossible for me to follow by lipreading. So I was constantly asking her to back up to several questions ago.

She was firing the questions like bullets. Even a hearing person would have severe problems with her.

Anyway the point is I said back up to the statement you made on water, and my blank stare at her was taken as implied consent that her statement was fine as applied to my bungalow.

I didn’t think it was, but I didn’t know why.

So we got it in slow this time...
“Is there any water within 400metres of your property?”

So I am thinking and was about to say no, when I thought what is their definition of water, so I asked her.

The stare I got back was a withering look, “Water is water,” she replied. The look I got was we have a right one here...”So do you live within 400metres of water?”

I was told last year (by the same firm) that I live within 429 metres of water. And I was about to reply that when I thought, what if their definition of water has changed since last year. After all goalposts by governments, politicians, insurance firms etc are constantly changing.

So I answered, “I don’t know.”

She gave me a daggers look, as though I was taking up too much of her time, and she was not earning enough commission.

“I’ll have to look on google,” she replied.

That took another 5 minutes by the time google loaded on her computer. She looked at me, “You have water within 200metres on the meadow. There is a pond there.”

“There’s no pond in the meadow,” I said, “I have crisscrossed that meadow on my mobility scooter walking the dog, and I have never come across a pond.”

“Well, there is water on the meadow. It is 200 metres as the crow flies. Google says so, and you have to declare that otherwise when you claim for something your claim becomes invalid.” said the insurance lady. “Do you want to declare there is water within 400 metres of your property?”

“Yes,” I replied, “and while we are at it I want to go back to the beginning when you were firing all those statements at me at the speed of a machine gun, and we are going to examine them one by one...”

Three hours later, and many calls to the insurance provider to clarify points I brought up on several things, and on equipment, and whether it was insured inside or outside the house etc. She never made those points clear initially. She had to do them one by one, she couldn’t deal with them in one batch.

One of the items was my phone, we all have a phone don’t we? And she went through that bit so quickly that I had to stop her a couple of times. So I said what about outside the house. She said oh it’s insured inside the house, on your property. So, I said no, I have just asked you twice, is my phone insured outside my property. Yes or No.

No, she said. You want your phone insured outside your property?

I had asked her specifically moment’s before and she had not answered me properly.

Well then, she said, you’ll have to give me the make and model number etc because it has to be listed specifically, so you are going to have to make sure you have the exact name of it and model. If you get it wrong then it’s not covered outside the property.

I think she was glad to see the back of me.

I am on my way back to my car when I think...what about my frog ponds in my back garden...there is water within 5 metres of my bungalow...

I have been asleep the last six hours, that episode exhausted me...it’s now 9pm.