Almost home...

I have been very conflicted about how much to write here...but have decided to lay all out!

After over 4 months of mysterious symptoms in my legs and back I finally have a diagnosis.   Last week i got word that i could have an MRI which was a cancellation, only 24 hours notice.   We took the appointment and off we went.   Fast forward to Tuesday am in the dr.s office to be greeted with the news that i have a herniated disc in the T12-11 region of my spine.   This was very conflicting news....sorted out the mystery and alleviated the worry that it was something yet to be figured out.  but the bad news was that the only solution is back surgery!

Fast forward again......Thursday (this day) and another cancellation appointment arranged, this time in Halifax, 4 hours away, and only 24 hours notice with a recommended neurosurgeon.  So Terry and i headed down there wednesday afternoon, after the market packed up, and stayed in a hotel close to the hospital for an early morning appointment with Dr. Alant.  Long and intense hours spent trying to remain in the moment and as calm as i could make myself.   The upshot of the meeting was that there is a compression on my spinal cord, most likely caused by osteoarthritis, and general wear and tear of aging.   A very overwhelming experience for sure, but i also found the surgeon to be very personable and trustworthy!   Still lots of clarification needed but once we got home, late this evening, i'm still trying to process this reality.

I share all of this because it maybe of use to someone else....it is a very intense and difficult time to try and process all the information and try to make an informed decision.   There isn't much choice left to me, either i take the risk of spinal surgery...or i do nothing and the impingement continues with the potential of very serious paralysis down the road!  

I'm moving very easily from feelings of acceptance, we really don't have much control of our lives .... and total and utter fear!   Hopefully with time, and lots of discussions with trusted friends, i will be able to be present with what is....my many many years of meditation training is being put to the test to the utmost!

this is the image that always brings a huge sigh of relief.....crossing the causeway onto Cape Breton Island.   It was a long and tiring journey, but we made it and i am forever grateful for having my wonderful man, Terry, by my side.  he never fails to support me completely and utterly!