Be Positive

I had a lovely walk with Mrs Positive this morning through Okel tor woods the other side of the village. She is the woman who had the brain aneurism and now has a shunt. I've not had a good chat with her since she had this, so we caught up on each others bad news! I was amazed at how she has recovered from her most frightening event whilst I still seem to be struggling with my state. I asked if she had always been a positive person which gave her pause for thought. She decided that she was a people pleaser so looked on the positive to keep her children safe and unworried, and also her husband - who has quite a negative attitude and has his own myriad health issues. She said she always looks for the bright side of anything.
Well I must be like her husband I've decided! Whilst we were sitting on a bench looking at this view Oscar was close to the shaley edge and I called him back as was worried he might fall/slide down it. When we got up to walk on he did! I actually walked  instinctively away so that I would not witness his falling, or maybe it was my flight instinct? I quickly turned back and to my relief the slope didn't lead directly into the river and he was fine and came scampering back up! 
Once we had completed our circular walk we went back to hers and had homemade scotch  pancakes which were delicious. Her husband joined us and related his most recent health issues, which involved misdiagnosis of a condition for eight years! He showed me n app to help with positivity. A grid of faces appear and you have to identify the one happy face! It's supposed to rewire your brain to the positive! I will have to try it! 
Later in the afternoon I had a panic attack - triggered by a miss-swallow but perhaps just the catalyst for my high level of anxiety to bubble over. It's the anniversary of my mums death and I have my old pupils funeral tomorrow. So back to listening to my panic apps talking me down from it. I continued listening to them as I went up the allotment and put the hens to bed. Thankfully Oscar was very well behaved! 
I was fine come the eve, almost having a slight exhilaration that I had once more coped and come out unscathed.Maybe I felt fine because I had reasoned with myself that if I felt bad the next day I would simply not go to the funeral. I don't know how people are able to go through such occasions - we didn't for my dad or my mum - we had a funeral but no-one else was invited. I have sadly attended many funerals for other people, mostly of the children I have taught. Any passing of a loved one is brutal, but a Childs funeral, especially one with Special needs, has it's own particular added emotions. Other parents always attend, some of whom  have lost their own child. The coffins are usually small, white, and covered with photographs of the child. The vicar usually states how the child is now whole and dancing with the birds and butterflies in heaven.  That particularly jars with me for some reason. That in death they become "normal" and that their lives on earth were somehow not a pleasure or of value. Maybe it helps the parents, I don't know.