Surreal Living.

So alot of my days are spent on the sims these days, so here's some of my sims life. This is me and James. Being silly, even on a virtual world. I hope you can tell the difference of who's who.

So i guess I go on the sims to escape the real world sometimes, it probably sounds pathetic, but in a way its the same as people reading, they go into their books, I just create another life because I despise mine at the minute. Things are alright with Molly now, I sorted them out. I just feel a bit empty, well, you know how it is.

I keep missing her. I even miss being able to look back at photos on here of us and smile, because I can't anymore. I could for a few weeks, I could force myself to pretend I am content with only our memories, but i'm not. I miss her company so much. I miss my best friend, and again, like a few years back when I lost my friend Anna to a stupid misunderstanding, she is gone, and she is gone for good. It is irrevocably upsetting.

Hence the sims, I can delete what I don't like, and create what I want. I just, I just hate this. I want to smoke green and shout 'DANIELLLL' and ask what she'd do 'if she had a flan for a face', and listen to her reply 'boob type' because shes just the only one who would understand. I miss sitting in my room, havign a tab out my window and looking behind me to see her smiling, then we'd have the best sex I ever knew, and we'd fall asleep together, or i'd cycle her to the trainstation on the back of my bike. Then I remember i'll never have that pleasure of doing any of those things again in my life, and I just crumble and go and smoke alone out that window, and cry to songs that once made me so indescribably happy. I guess i'm just broken.

Everyone keeps telling me that they've been through it, which i know they have, and they say it'll get better. Which I know it will, but then again I know that this time is a hella alot different. I know that because of the fact that I got over her so quickly, and I am still over her, it's just I know she was the reason I was stable, my crutch if you will, and she's gone, so I keep tripping and falling, and I think it'll be that way until I am very old and sick and on the day I die I will remember her eyes and how if she'd have been by my bedside, I might have mustered a couple more years, because she gave me this confidence I'd never felt before in my life, and I know I won't ever feel again. She was my soulmate, I just wasn't hers. Unrequited I guess, but that's earth shattering to me, and I am not quite sure how to go about anything while being aware of such a situation. I am lost in my head forever, I am sure I will find myself again, but for a long time I will be shelled and tucked away in the pocket of my own company, wishing only to get out, and look around, but being far too scared to even contemplate doing so.

~

Your shoes are too polished, your nails are too clean, your walk is too tasteful and your eyes should be mean, your voice is too loud and your smile is so plain, you wear your jeans too correctly, and you've never felt pain, your hips are too bony, your hair is too long, your kisses too forceful, and our fingers fit wrong, your taste's too expensive, and your horse is too high, I'll take you out tonight, but don't expect me to try, your head is too sane, whilst mine is a blur, I should probably love you, but you'll never be her.