Time to think

The plan had always been to come to a coffee shop after helping my friend: I was going to force myself to get some maths done.

And indeed (against my preference) I have made it here. But no maths will be done before I’ve reflected on the morning...

The deal is that I look after baby S in the viewing are of the swimming pool while Louise sorts K and her swimming lesson out. S and I tend to have a cute, albeit hot, time, up in the stands. I am largely distracted from my thoughts while he gets soggy rice cake in my hair!

There were lots of people to watch in the pool and I felt like I saw the GP. I realised pretty soon I was just doing my usual imagining her everywhere thing and carried on making cooing noises at S.

But after another 10 minutes, the literal, actual, real GP was there, chatting away to Louise on the side of the pool. I think I almost assumed I was still imagining things. It was so weird.

I kept thinking she would look up at me to acknowledge me, but no. After a fairly lengthy conversation with Louise, she got in the pool but sill didn’t see me. I wasn’t sure whether she was choosing not to see me.

I had had an in depth conversation about seeing her in public (mostly meant in a church context) with her last appointment (so glad that had happened or I’d be far more freaked out). She knew the idea of us sharing friends stressed me, so I slightly wondered whether she didn’t acknowledge me to protect me.

In the end, the lesson finished and Louise beckoned to leave. I thought I’d go to the bottom of the stands to say hello as I knew I’d regret it if I didn’t.

She turned and said hello and asked who the baby belonged to. It was quite hard to hear so I sort of thought just a hello would suffice - but I also was keen to get away before she had a chance to reject me. So I walked off waving...so odd, Laura.

Then my legs went all shaky and I have felt stressed to varying degrees since.

Louise asked how I was and I said ‘okay‘ as it seemed easiest and the children were there but she seemed offended by that answer. So then I was more tense for a lot of the time.

I don’t really understand this attachment business. I think I might have been jealous of Louise’s familiarity with the GP.

Maybe, I should try to do some maths now...