A last supper

It was my last evening at Anna and Chris’ before they ‘abandon’ me for warmer parts of the world. I’m not sure any of us were massively feeling it. I, certainly, was in a rubbish mood.

There’d been a bit of an incident the night before, where I’d popped over, sad, and then left abruptly to harm myself. I felt bad about the way I’d treated them and apologised this evening.

Anna made some helpful points about my black and white thinking and catastrophising. She said thinking, for example, in terms of people hating me, rather than ‘they might be a bit annoyed in this instance’ (which is normal and not existential) wouldn’t be helping me.

I was feeling quite hot and cold physically so wondered whether I might be getting ill. Anna said that wouldn’t be helping my mood.

She also said that it’s hard to separate what’s me and my personality from what’s the illness so she forgave me for what I did need to say sorry for but not for what I didn’t! She’s nice.

It had been a difficult day before that too - I never like it much when my plans don’t start till mid afternoon. I was also unsure how everything was going to work at the swimming pool (a combination of me swimming and helping Louise out) so was quite anxious. Or were the nerves about the GP tomorrow?! Who can say.

The swim, as it happened, was lovely. The joy on the babies’ faces! Very cute. And the nerves were gone (for then). It was only on the walk back home, my mood crashed again.