I can't see it anymore.

I wonder which day will be the one to take me away.

Tobacco stains our yellow teeth, and all our fingers and underneath our fingernails, that clasp on sheets as we try desperately to sleep.
Hearts are sad and eyes are tired and all this Red Bull keeps us wired,
It gives us wings.
It gives us rings around our eyes
We put three sugars in our tea, sit to watch too much day time TV
To laugh at mums who don't know who the father is.
All our girlfriends are long gone, we watch too much internet porn.
Who needs love?
When you've got silicone and strap-ons.
and beer bloats our spoiled guts while shit jobs keep us in ruts
And keep us eyeing up
The 'what's and ifs and buts and maybes'
Falling over in the street
Is just a part of every week and we lie drunkenly
Just staring at the stars.
Remember when they were in reach and all the teachers used to teach
You can do anything if you put your mind to it.
We put our minds to it all but disappointment crashed the ball
We could have done anything but we just never quite knew it.

Today I got into college, and sat on the ramp, talked to Sasha, while Bex sat by my side. I don't know.

After that, I sat blankly in college, hoping for Paige to appear as I felt left out with James and Chloe and the stench of Howie's breath and Bowey's sweat was too much to bear.

We ended up going to the pub, where the atmosphere was just worse, I sat and fought back tears, because in my head I could see her sitting by me, smiling, laughing and holding my hand, I could almost feel her fingers next to mine, and it made me shiver in sadness, like she'd died and her ghost was all that was left for me.

I'm crying now, because I remember sitting there, it was like someone had ripped out my heart when I snapped out of it and realised that she wasn't there with me and hasn't been for about 5 months. I miss her like a lost limb.

All I can do is try and find myself in my favourite folk songs, and cry out the tears, so polluted with sadness that I feel I am rotting away. I just want her to appear, and to run up and hug me and tell me she won't leave again. Because I don't feel I can love anything, or anyone, nor feel anything at all, until I fix this upset in me, and the only way to do that, is to let her make me laugh, the way she always did, I just want her around, she's my sanity.

I am going to stop changing my mind. I just want her to come round some days, and say hello, and smile with me in the summer.

~

So where's the girl running, with no shoes on her feet? Cause there's no shade nor shadow, in this deafening heat.