Your deepest question answered

Now I know how Madam Tiggywinkle survived the winter. We always ensure there is a small supply of food available, pushed into her house and hay. When I lifted the baseboard from her old house a few dozen “snacks” ran for cover; wood-lice. If, in a blank moment, you have ever considered whether wood-lice have lavatorial requirements, then here is your answer. The bare patches are where wood rested on the baseboard. 


Ancient tale of yore…….
A Para died and waited at the Pearly gates. St Peter came out carrying a clip-board, reads down to his name and says, “You have lived a good life, served your country and died for what you believe in, welcome to heaven. What is your desire?”
The Para is confused and asked, “What do you mean by that?”
St Peter replied, “Heaven is what you make of it, what is your idea of heaven?”
“Anywhere there aren’t any bloody Royal Marines,” came the reply.
With a wave of his hand St Peter transports them both to a beautiful lake with perfect weather, a beach, snow topped mountains in the distance and beautiful women walking around in bikinis. 
“This is perfect, but are you sure there are no Bootnecks here?”
“Absolutely,” replied St Peter.
Just then they both heard the unmistakeable sound of two Johnson outboards at full chat! Looking across the lake they saw a rigid raider skimming across the water driven by a man wearing a Green Beret. 
“You lying bastard!” cried the Para, “Of all the people I’ve met I didn’t think you would lie to me; that’s a bloody Royal Marine out there!”
“I didn’t lie to you,” replied St Peter, “That’s not a Royal Marine, that’s God, he just thinks he’s one!”