Now what?

A long, rambling, self-indulgent entry

(Doing my journal entry the following morning for a change.)

I went into the garage late afternoon, and stared at all the waiting seedlings. Fortunately we don't use our garage for a car, and after replacing an old metal up-and-over door with a spare glass door (everyone has spare doors lying around, right?), the garage is coldish and light enough, but frost-free - so pretty handy for seedlings that can't cope with the current chilly windy weather. Some of the seedlings are plants now though - the broad beans are 4 inches tall and crying out for a proper bed.

I have lettuce seedlings that are falling over each their in their shallow tray. I have tomato plants which can't go in the greenhouse yet because there's no sun. I have broccoli looking completely out-of-place indoors.

Bloody weather.

I've even sown things that are meant to go straight in the ground in coir seed pods while we wait for things to improve.

It's as if all the seeds have done their job and are looking at me, saying, "Now what?"


I'm in a "now what?" space myself at the moment.
In all sorts of ways:
This is the only writing I've been doing recently; I'm trying to read but I'm just not finishing any books; my bios on here and my blog say I'm a student but I finished studying last May. I don't feel I can call myself anything but a rather bad, tired inefficient mother and housewife who helps her husband with the paperwork, VAT and bills for his shop at the moment.

When I was ill for months in the winter I longed for normal and boring; I longed to drink a cup of tea without it hurting, I longed to have the energy to drag a vacuum cleaner across a floor.

And boring is good.
To a point.

I think I've become too boring though. Boring for me, I mean. I don't care anymore if other people find me boring.

I'm missing studying, I'm missing writing, I've even become scared of my blog, and I'm not sure what to do about it.
It's affecting other things too. I don't eat sensibly. I think I drink too much wine. I know I don't exercise enough. I wake up every night nagging myself to put things right the next day, lie awake for hours fretting, and then am too exhausted to act or even care the next morning.


Now what? I asked myself all day. Thoughts about where life was or wasn't going plagued me constantly and I wondered whether or not to write them down, and, if so, where?


I guess I feel that I/we've slipped back into old routines that were making me feel rather lost and powerless in the past. I remember this insignificant, self-destructive feeling well. I need to fight my way into new behaviours and stop these current patterns from taking over.

I have pictures in my mind of me being happy. It such a low-key, modest, obtainable, attainable image that I don't know why I'm not achieving it. If I could get it right I think it would make those around me happier too. I'm not ambitious. I've never wanted to make it in the big wide world. Maybe it's my desire for simplicity in a stupidly over-complicated world that makes me feel pointless.

So. I guess it's up to me to work out what's next.

I think a walk and a talk would be a good starting point.



(Oh - globe artichokes in the photo)