SNAFE: Situation Normal, All Fed Exed

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack,

After an unconscionably long absence, during which I have doubled in weight and spent inordinate amounts of time working, I have, I have to say, neglected the photographic aspects of my life. There are only so many photos of my dinner I can post, and there has been an increasing amount of antipathy for my blips being shown by Mrs Ottawacker and the plum of my loins, Ottawacker Jr. 

"Not another blip," he says, as I make him stand in front of the fruit bowl.

So I have waned like the setting sun. But fear not, I am now about to wax like a hairy arsed Olympic swimmer.

And what, you might ask, has inspired me to come back to the computer to share my thoughts with the world--or at least the three people who read this--and stoke indignation? Fed Frigging Ex.

If ever a company had you by the short and curlies, then this is it. So sit back and let me tell you the story of the FedEx Fiasco, or the Great Parcel Robbery of 2021.

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin. 

As you may or may not know, I am a poor expatriated Briton, seeking refuge from the cesspool of putrescence that is currently the United Kingdom (although, admittedly, it might not be the United Kingdom for much longer). And, also admittedly, my escape happened during a previous dictatorship, that of the Ferrous Transvestite. I am a New Canadian and very happy so to be. 

I do, however, maintain certain ties to Liverpool, the place of my birth and home to my football team. Some things you cannot choose, and being a Liverpool fan is one of them. It comes down the line, you have no choice.

Living in Canada, it is hard to get Liverpool-related stuff without paying through the nose. A £35 tracksuit costs $100; a £3.50 programme costs $15. So I have a friend in Runcorn who very kindly has agreed to be my PO Box, who lets me buy things from Amazon and the club and Ebay and have them sent to him. He then puts them all in a big box and has them sent on to me. The savings are enormous. Usually.

Of course, the savings are only enormous if you don't use FedEx. He used them to send over the most recent box: a 26kg box of books and Liverpool kits for Ottawacker Jr.'s Christmas and birthday gifts (his birthday is in January); books and CDs for me; books and some clothes for Mrs Ottawacker... We paid the £125 to have this massive box shipped, and sat and waited.

Well, despite the box having been delivered and signed for, we are still waiting. You might think that a primary function of a courier company would be to, you know, actually take a parcel from Place A and deliver it to Place B. Not in FedEx's case. They seemingly have taken the Parcel from Place A and delivered it to a completely different location. Nobody knows where. One assumes it is in Ottawacker, but one might be completely frigging wrong.

FedEx has lost the box. A big box mind, weighing 26 kg. FedEx claims it was delivered and a signature obtained. This may be true; it was not, however, delivered to the correct house. So we are all either in a state of limbo, waiting for the box to be found, or are in a situation where FedEx employs drivers savvy enough to steal parcels and make as if they have been stolen elsewhere.

This last thought came to me while I conducted an online war of attrition with FedEx via Twitter. People flocked out of the woodwork to tell me the exact same thing had happened to them: "They said they delivered the parcel and believed the driver over me"; "The parcel just disappeared - they said they had delivered it"; etc. etc. I know this hasn't happened to me  because my office is right next to the front door. I get disturbed when a squirrel runs across the path, let alone a FedEx crook carrying a 26 kg box.

So we await with bated breath to see if it was incompetence or crookedness. I hope it is incompetence and the FedEx Feckwit manages to recover the parcel, but my breath is not being held. In the meantime, if you are in Ottawa and see a yellow 2021-22 Alexander Arnold large boys kit for sale, let me know. There may be accomplices... 

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Did you know the arrow in the FedEx logo is the best part of the company? I never ever saw it before it was explained to me... now it is the only thing I see. If only they hired graphic designers to run their ethics and training courses...