Back in her lair she voraciously feeds............

Finally, the electric machine has been delivered. Very smooth, comfortable and quiet; that’s just me. 

A former, now deceased member of the Parachute Regiment approached St Peter at the Pearly Gates. 
“Name?”
“Smiff, 3456, Date of Deff yesterday……”
“Smiff 3456, yessssss, let me check……served valiantly, and occasionally honestly. I have only one question, where would you like to spend eternity, your choice, once made it cannot be rescinded?” 
“Wotjew mean?”
“Well, you can have a flat in one of our resorts, a beach bungalow with several ladies available at your beck and call, a mansion in our equivalent of Buckinghamshire, whatever you wish.”
“I’d like a beach home, somewhere by a warm ocean, just one request, no Bootnecks, anywhere, at any time!!!!”
“Certainly Mr Smiff” Phooooowump. “Will this do Sir?” 
Standing under palms, sun-bronzed nymphets reclining in the warm sand and blue ocean for miles, the Para was delighted and accepted his new home with alacrity. St Peter signed the necessary form and handed over a copy, “All seems in order Mr Smiff, enjoy your hard earned eternity.”
At that moment the silence was penetrated by the unmistakeable roar of two Johnson outboard engines, they were propelling a gleaming Rigid Raider towards the beach, the ladies were admiring the physique of the Coxswain, a tall blond man with steely blue eyes, muscles on his muscles and teeth that reflected the sun. On his head he wore the famous Green Beret.
Smiff was incensed, “You, you, you of all people!! You lied to me, that’s a Marine, a bloody Marine.”
St Peter glanced over his shoulder, “Oh him, that is not a Marine Mr Smiff, that is God, he just thinks he’s one.” 


In the beginning was the word, and the word was God.In the beginning was God, and all else was darkness and void, and without form. So God created the heavens and the Earth. He created the sun, and the moon, and the stars, so that light might pierce the darkness. The Earth, God divided between the land and the sea, and these he filled with many assorted creatures.And the dark, salty, slimy creatures that inhabited the murky depths of the oceans, God called sailors. And He dressed them accordingly. They had little trousers that looked like bells at the bottom. And their shirts had cute little flaps on them to hide the hickeys on their necks. He also gave them long sideburns and shabby looking beards. God nicknamed them "matelots" and banished them to a lifetime at sea, so that normal folks would not have to associate with them. To further identify these unloved creatures, He called them "petty" and "commodore" instead of titles worthy of red-blooded men.And the flaky creatures of the land, God called soldiers. And with a twinkle in His eye, and a sense of humour that only He could have, God made their trousers too short and their hats too large. He also made their pockets oversized, so that they may warm their hands. And to adorn their uniforms, God gave them badges in quantities that only a pound store owner could appreciate. And He gave them emblems and crests... and all sorts of shiny things that glittered...and devices that dangled. (When you are God you tend to get carried away.) On the 6th day, He thought about creating some air creatures for which he designed a Greyhound bus driver's uniform, especially for Air Force flyboys. But He discarded the idea during the first week, and it was not until years later that some apostles resurrected this theme and established what we now know as the "Wild-Blue-Yonder Wonders."And on the 7th day, as you know, God rested. But on the 8th day, at 0730, God looked down upon the earth and was not happy. No, God was not happy! So He thought about His labours, and in His divine wisdom God created a divine creature. And this He called Marine. And these Marines, whom God had created in His own image, were to be of the air, and of the land, and of the sea. And these He gave many wonderful uniforms. Some were green; some were blue with red trim. And in the early days, some were even a beautiful tan. He gave them practical fighting uniforms, so that they could wage war against the forces of Satan and evil. He gave them service uniforms for their daily work and training. And He gave them evening and dress uniforms... sharp and stylish, handsome things... so that they might promenade with their ladies on Saturday night and impress the hell out of everybody! He even gave them swords, so that people who were not impressed could be dealt with accordingly. And at the end of the 8th day, God looked down upon the earth and saw that it was good. But was God happy? No! God was still not happy! Because in the course of His labours, He had forgotten one thing: He did not have a Marine uniform for himself. He thought about it, and thought about it, and finally God satisfied Himself in knowing that, well... not everybody can be a Marine!