Very Extraordinary General Meeting

It happens every year.  At the request of a fellow Blipper I went along and sat in.
 
Strangely remaining seated, the Rev Monteith thanked everyone for coming out.  He asked for apologies and Mrs Rennie said she’d forgotten to put her teeth in.  Rev M asked if the last minutes were a true record and Miss Christie  (Secretary) said yes, she’s typed them in exactly thirty three seconds.   The Chair indicated that he was determined to shorten the length of the meetings, however it was minuted that several folk had bought sleeping bags, onesies and Mr. Snuggly Hot Water bottles.
 
Item 1 dealt with the formation of a Ladies Football Team.  Mrs Inkster asked if she played in goal would she be allowed to crochet ?  Isobel McKenzie asked if a ball would be used during the games.  It was agreed Clootie Dumpling would be served to the opposition before home games commenced.  Mrs McKenzie said she wanted to play away; eyebrows were raised.  This after she’d heard in his last game for the Rovers her husband had been pulled off a half time.  After some shouting Mrs McKenzie was warned that she’d be left outside, left inside, or left in the pavilion if she wasn’t careful.  Mrs McLeod asked if they played in North Ronaldsay could she keep her simmit on.
 
In a quite moment someone dropped the pandrops.  It was Mrs Foubister (Snr) who used to work at the corner shop.   She indicated that they’d never sold so many corners since they’d had that run on senapods.    She’d also run out of running blocks but that was in the Sanday egg and spoon European qualifiers. 
 
During Item 2 (Hire of Hall) Mrs Prentice and Mrs Findlay started to squabble.  When they were pacified (cup of tea and a mint yoyo each) Mrs Prentice wanted it minuted that surely Immanuel Kant’s primary thoughts on philosophy were not purely the justification of knowledge.  Surely Kant wanted to explore the boundaries of knowledge before approaching knowledge itself.  At least that’s what she understood from her latest copy of the People’s Friend.  When asked to adjudicate about philosophy the Rev Monteith scratched his oxter and said, ‘It makes you think’.
 
With the pandrops covered in stour Mrs Cormack passed round a bag of whelks.  Eunice Eunson chewed hers for two hours and (when eyes were averted) spat it into Mrs McLeod’s handbag. 
 
Shuffling, and averted eyes, greeted the Eunson twins who arrived from Deerness twelve minutes late.  They said they’d helped the McGawkie brothers who were in a layby with a flat tyre.  They successfully repaired the tyre but noticed the Brothers McGawkie didn’t have a car with them.  Even on arriving late Bertie announced that he’d have to go to the cludgie immediately.    His brother (Oswald) confused everyone when he asked Bertie if they could vote on the motion first.  Mrs Robertson woke up and asked if rationing was over yet.
 
Under Item 17b (transport for the Gala Day) Mrs McMurtrie (Bike clips on her lugs) reported she’d cycled down Palace Road but then realised she wasn’t on her bike.  She said it took her exactly sixty seconds.  Mrs Stewart asked if she wanted the sixty seconds minuted.
 
The Reverend Monteith asked for a show of hands; folk winced when the Veterinary (Mr. Ewing) was wearing a rubber glove.  He explained he was on his way to Cruden Bay.   The words ‘Cruden Bay’ got the only laugh of the night.
 
Mrs Jamieson asked the Rev Monteith if he’d taken anything up during Covid and he enigmatically replied, ‘My cassock.’
 
The Rev Monteith intimated that the Beedle will be giving a talk on the ‘Erogenous Zones’.  In a stage whisper Mrs Sutherland said ‘They used to be part of Equatorial New Guinea.’   Knowing glances were exchanged.  The Rev Monteith had his dog collar on.  Mrs Grassick reached for her inhaler when she realised it was all he had on.  Mrs Sutherland had a stroke, but Miss Budge was annoyed because she couldn’t reach. 
Eric Davidson, the Hall janitor, came in and asked who kept blocking the toilets.  Everyone ignored him.  He pinched one of Mrs Smith’s bonbons and left making an age old gesture. 
 
Mrs MacLeod said she had been up all night rubbing Vic on her chest.  It was also minuted that after her visit to the local smiddy that she’d done her own piercing.  Mrs Bruce stood up unexpectedly , grabbed her handbag, and went home to check on her husband who’d texted to say he had a swelling.
 
Under item 17c (First Aid Kit) Sandy Mcleod (sotto voce) asked Andy Mowatt if he’s seen the new notice in the chemist’s window.  Andy was puzzled so Sandy explained that it said, ‘Contraceptives fitted by Hand’.  Andy said that once inside a buxom blonde approached, to serve him.  He asked her if it was true that if she fitted contraceptives by hand.  ‘Yes.’ she whispered in his lug.  ‘Well, he said, ‘would you mind washing your hands as I’d like a quarter of jube jubes.’  Andy indicated his wife had encouraged him to try the male pill but when swallowed it gave him a stiff neck.
 
Under Item 48f Mrs Ferguson, the Treasurer, read the latest figures.  Mr. Monteith said, ‘It’s OK Moyra, you can sit down.’  The age old reply of ‘I am sitting down’ surprised no-one.  Distinct snoring was heard during this item.
 
Mrs Inkster took the minutes and put them through a shredder which would either make them more comprehensible or suitable for her granddaughter’s hamster cage. 
 
Under any other business Mrs Clouston wanted it minuted that she wasn’t sure if she’d been in a meeting of the WRI, the Kirk Session, or the arrangements for the year end pantomime, or a séance.   
 
The Rev Monteith thanked Mrs Young for coming out on such a barmy night.  Something started vibrating in Mrs McEwan’s handbag – however, it was noted her phone was on the table.   Pandemonium broke out during the vote of thanks. 
 
A report has been sent to the Procurator Fiscal.