Remembered; with many a smile

The most special day of my year; a day of remembrance - mourning and anger slowly replaced with celebration and love.

So many of you here have encouraged and humoured me to write more - studies and, well, life stole that for a while, but bit by bit I've picked it up - now I need to work out what's next.

Because as these words have begun to take shape so I've slowly begun to understand that I wasn’t looking for an ending or even an understanding. Really I was trying to find a way to continue in grace.

Wandering out into the wonder of it all I’ve come to realise that by searching for that ending I’ve rekindled a love of the journey. In looking so long into the abyss I’ve gained a deeper appreciation of the world around me.

For so long any thought of mum was scarred by the intensity of how she was stolen from us, the dark shadows of that loss threatening for the longest time to eradicate all that had gone before, to obliterate the chances of what would come after. I know I came so close to letting the love in my life die, letting my love of life become another thing lost to the dark. By the time I knew I was falling I’d already decided I deserved my fate, I’d forgotten I ever knew what it is to fly. I’d almost forgotten that the world is filled with wonder and love.
And then, just as it began to look like I might find my way back out into the light, I fell once more. There were days dark with pain, months that became years when I thought I wouldn’t walk in the wild places again, when the chance of me ever climbing more than the stairs seemed gone, and for the longest time I was sure that was the ending I really deserved.
But so many people lifted me, helped me to go look for the good, reminded me that life truly does go on, that the world is a place of infinite chances, that forgiveness begins somewhere deep in yourself. Slowly, stumbling, but step by step, I walked out of the dark guided by those shining stars, even if they or I didn’t know it at the time.

And as I did I ever so slowly became another me, the same person, viewed differently. I learnt to really pause and ponder, to know when to simply stop and appreciate the majesty and my place in it. Eventually I began to try and give more than I took, to find a way to be the sort of son a mother would be proud of. As nature calmed me, as love lifted my eyes, hope took wing and slowly, imperceptibly understanding soothed the anger, self-loathing and regret. Self-forgiveness found a way to let acceptance become a possibility, love found a way to make it real. I came to understand I’ve still so much to give thanks for. I finally remembered what it truly was to smile.

As my eyes have turned from then to tomorrow, I’ve come to understand the importance of now. I’ll always carry my ghosts within me, it’s their love that made me strong. But. Yes even here, mere words from goodbye, but.
The love I have now makes me stronger. The love I have for this life, the love I give out into the world. The love I’m given, from family, friends old and new, the love I have for you, the love I know that people not yet met have to offer.

In spending so long wandering through the lost lands of yesterday I’ve come to fall in love again with the promise of tomorrow and the joy of each today.

All the best stories have a good ending – but the truly great stories finish with a new beginning.