Mindscape

Woke up at 07.00 or a little past, somewhere there.  I could not get back to sleep.  Looked at the cloud radar and thought I could wing it.  Dressed, grabbed a bite to eat and a cup of tea, then off.  I drove to Veere ('Vey-ruh') but what began with some promising patches of blue quickly turned into an ugly, dirty grey, so got back into the car and drove to Vlissingen, where the sky was much lighter owing to the sunrise.  As (bad) luck would have it, though, the clouds soon jockeyed back into position again and it began to shower.

Suddenly, the sun shone brightly on the windmill.  I turned around to look at the sea.  That was when I decided to wait for bluer skies for the mill and, instead, took a shot of this.  The wind was buffeting me in all directions, my hair was flying all over my face.  I had to laugh at some of the shots, which looked as though I was right on the water, rocking on the waves, the boat going up and down, the horizon tilted to the left and then to the right.

That was my state of mind today, more or less.  I am rocked by doubt about the whole legal enterprise, questioning my reasons and motives all over again for starting it in the first place.  Maybe I was just tired of my work in Rotterdam years ago and thought I was going to win 'quickly' and get some easy money.  Maybe it was just my pride and ego because I'd been kicked aside and ignored by those who were supposed to be 'family', the meaning of which I still seriously question.  Maybe it was just something I thought of on the spur of the moment, like buying a lottery ticket and the feeling of 'you never know'.

Evelyne says it's normal to feel like this at times as I'm only human.  Of course.  I know that.  I also know that doubt is fear's best friend.  What am I afraid of -- being unable to salvage my honour?  losing face?  getting laughed at behind my back?  I ask myself what else is new.  I've always had the idea that I'm actually a fugitive from MNL who ran away to Europe to escape my failures, my embarrassment and shame, and my accusers.

When I got back, to my surprise, AW was not yet up.  This was very late.  Instead of waking him up, I found myself getting back into bed.  This woke him up.  I didn't tell him where I'd been.  Driven to the sea but also to the back of my head.  I had kept myself company in the car, and so I continued to keep myself company in bed, this time with Tolkien's The Fall of Gondolin, which I'd begun two days ago, and finished it.  Occasionally I would close my eyes for a few minutes, but it was too late to fall asleep again.  It's to be expected to feel despondent when one loses, and it does feel like that, but now I'm reminding myself that I haven't lost.  Writing it all down here has helped me return to that fact.  The Viking has not given up the fight.  I certainly am not going to.  Nonetheless, I got out of bed at about 16.00.

I managed to work quite a lot yesterday, so this evening I think I can do some more.  In between all that, kitchen duties, and then later, I look forward to returning to bed with The Silmarillion, which I already needed to review in order to appreciate The Fall of Gondolin, and which I'll need again before starting the next book, The Children of Hurin.

Maybe it's just that it's been very, very cold since November and I'm physically and mentally tired of coping with that.  I would not like to feel too tired now that my current contract has been extended and a new one might be in the making.  To be clear, though, it's not the work that's making me feel exhausted.  Rather, it's dealing with and sorting out all the rubbish of the past.

A cup of tea is now in order.