Tenth Mandala

I said I would shoot this on a rainy day.  Well, it wasn't rainy today.  Far from it, in fact.  Never mind, a sunny day is good for shooting colouring book pages as well.  The light areas with polka dots look white, but they are actually vanilla in colour.

Yesterday evening, went to bed almost immediately after dinner, woke up around midnight and stayed semi-dazed for about an hour, then went back to bed and slept straight till about 07.45, but then dozed off again and got up half an hour later, sure about what I was going to do.

First, called up all the offices (the agency plus three numbers at work) and said I was ill, and I was not feeling all that well anyway.  Then a short chat with the agency and told them my decision was final.  I was informed that I could quit right now if I wished, and I did oh so wish.  If I could submit my resignation letter today?  I waited a decent five hours and mailed it to them.  The laptop and other materials can be left at the agency's office so I'll bring them there tomorrow.  Being ill, I won't be asked to drive all the way to Raamsdonksveer, for which I'm grateful.

A part of the day was spent feeling a little lousy about myself -- I'm such a quitter!  A coward!  Why didn't I just stick it out and try harder!?  But that's just it -- I've often enough stuck it out and tried harder, as though the fault only lay with me.  And, anyway, I'm done blaming myself and wasting time blaming 'them', whoever they are.  Circumstances are what they are, 'it is what it is', but also 'I am what I am'.  I've never been fired.  I've always been the one who decided when a certain point of no return has been reached.  That little demon at the back of my head, quite close to the hole, is screaming its head off:  'But you need the money!!!'  Yes, yes, I know, but there's AW replying very calmly:  'I just want you to be happy.'

It took quite a while to feel better.  It never feels good to fail at something, or to feel as though one has failed even if, actually, one has not.  All a matter of perspective.  Thankful for years of experience in the field.  Thankful I know myself and can accept my limitations.  Thankful I can be honest with myself and that it doesn't have to hurt.  Thankful AW is always there to cheer me on.

Tonight, who should call but... the Countess!  Hadn't heard from her for a loooong while.  It was good to catch up.  We've decided not to use WhatsApp but an even more secure connection called Signal.  This is the first time I've heard of it.  I've shared my BLIP profile so she can see what I've been doing all this time -- all these years!  That's a load of posts to read!

Back to the mandala -- this is the one that literally took more than half a year to finish, an off-and-on job.  The extras will show all the detail, and you might notice how undecided I was about how to fill in some areas.  The centre is my favourite part, which isn't always the case.  Well, it's done, and I've started a new one.  No idea when that will be finished.  C'est la vie! 

PS.  Can you spot the defect in the design?  There are actually two ways of looking at it -- either that spot is a defect and the rest is good... or that spot is actually correct and the whole design is defective except for that one spot.  Rather apt for today, in a way.