Gaucho

Woke up smiling this morning due to a strange flashback.  I was back in the house in the old country, and the two people were hitting me and mouthing epithets and insults, like they used to do, but I didn't feel a thing.  My body seemed to have been made of rubber.  No matter what they did, I couldn't feel a thing.  A voice inside my head was explaining very patiently, 'You don't have to care about that any more.  It doesn't matter any more what they think.  It's not important any more.  You don't need it any more.'  And I tried to feel something, I tried to feel bad, because those flashbacks used to be a pain, and I wasn't used to anything else, but now nothing.  I smiled in my dream and woke up to the most wonderful but very real feeling of positivity I have ever had.

Finally, I truly feel and know that I don't have to care any more about what anyone there thinks about me.  For the first time in years, I felt like a grown-up.  *huge belly laugh*  People might say that it's been that way for so long and why didn't I feel it or see it before, but what is difficult to understand is that I'd been straddling two worlds for many years.  It's hard to realize that when you've never gone through it.  No more need to feel terrible because I'm a different person here to what I used to be there, because I'm doing my own thing here and wouldn't have been free to do it there.  A couple of days ago, Mimi suggested that I might have to fly 'home' to MNL to check out my stuff when I get it, and I replied immediately that home is here, and that when I go there it is only to visit.  She had to let that sink in.  People there think I'm still the old girl.  Now, definitely I can say that I am not.  No more need for apologies, no more need to explain myself.  I don't have to mind any more if they don't 'understand'.

After a day of MOOCking and sports on television, and then dinner, AW asked if we could go to town for some homeopathic herbs.  The headman at that shop is actually one of the horsemen and I knew we were going to chat for a bit, so instead of just dropping off AW and then waiting in the car nearby (it is forbidden by law to 'hang around' a 'coffee herb shop'), I insisted that we park properly (paid parking on Sundays is only up to 18.00) and walk to the centre.  Indeed, we had a short chat about Mario, we all miss him.  Then I suggested we go to our favourite Argentinian grill for dessert.

This is the poster that was close to our table.  Tonight was not a celebration because of the impending compromise agreement for the final settlement.  No.  Tonight was a simple celebration of my coming of age.  It's not difficult to guess what I was thankful for today.