Day 22

The day started with me getting up to go for the dog walk with Jemima that I had said I would go on. I felt a bit bad as I struggled to make conversation due to my not feeling very awake/being a bit subdued.

It got better though towards the end. When we got home I read a bit of my CBT book. It made me quite low but then I was called for lunch. I enjoyed a nice conversation with H while we ate. Proof, I decided, that my fear of her not liking me was irrational. Then Jemima and I went off to watch a bit of Miranda. I began to feel quite ill and kind of wanted to lie down. I stuck it out and only went to bed when we had finished watching the 3 hours worth of episodes!

All day I was a bit preoccupied by guilt and stress about being lazy, needing to get a job and letting God down.

In bed, I felt a bit overwhelmed by things but soon dozed off. That helped. Then it was time to help cook. Another thing that was very much true all day was how I was struggling with OCD. Germs and cleanliness related mostly. Surprisingly I was fine with the sharp knife that would in the past have raised my anxiety levels sky high. The meat being handled near me did cause me some degree of stress though. But I coped OK. I think it would be fair to say I was quite tense for the meal.

I couldn't face the planned entertainment so went to bed. I began to get myself more and more into a state that I was going to Hell. I read lots to try to reassure myself. As usual, seeking reassurance only made things worse. I ended up closing my eyes and willing myself to sleep in order to escape.

After a bit I decided to read some stuff online. Several of the girls came in and asked how I was. They all separately said that they didn't think I was going to Hell. What they said was useful and H gave me a book to read. I read the whole thing. It was quite nice. I am still mildly anxious but mostly OK.

I went downstairs for the countdown to the new year. I wasn't really interested and felt a bit sad by the couple amongst us who were snuggled up. I retreated back upstairs to read some more.

So the day's problems in summary:
-OCD worries about cleanliness
-worry about going to Hell
-worry about others not liking me much
-worry about living for God
-not being depressed 'enough'
-worry about how well I concentrated on reading in the end (initially I was really struggling)
-should I be working more?
-am I lazy?
-being unattractive