Day 23

It's a new year but nothing much new with my mood. For the psychiatrist I am meant to be keeping a mood chart. This stresses me out greatly at times and I often fail to do it. Therefore I have come to the conclusion that I am just going to have to keep track on here. So...

This morning: depression -3 and anxiety -3
I didn't especially feel like doing anything and I worried that I might be alright, just lazy...you know, the usual... I tried reading my book for Tyndale but it was pretty boring.

This afternoon: depression -4, anxiety -4
Lunch was a struggle to sit through. I wanted to just go and lie down. I decided it was best to go home this afternoon due to transport arrangements. I felt bad about leaving and I felt a bit unloved as I waited to leave. I felt like no one cares that much about me. I held onto God loving me, even if I was right about people not loving me.
I came close to tears at one stage as we drove to the station. Once at the station, having discovered I had to wait 58mins for my train outside, I decided to go for a walk. This felt quite freeing and I sort of enjoyed being able to wallow in my sadness a bit. It felt like a healthier sort of sadness than usual. I enjoyed looking at the beautiful skeletal trees everywhere. On the train back, I had quite a nice time looking at and editing my pictures and playing on my iPad.

This evening: depression -6, anxiety -3
As I cycled back from the station, I began to think about Lucy and how much I miss her. This put me in a very low mood. I kept slowing right down, much like how I used to when really depressed. I didn't have much of an appetite but I made myself eat a good meal. Then of course I felt like chocolate was necessary. I skyped Alice. Some of that was quite nice but I did worry a lot about being boring and a rubbish friend. On the plus side, in amongst some really low lows there have been some OK times.

So that was the day. Now time for some, er, delightful thought record work...

Thought: maybe I am alright which means I am just lazy and a fraud
Reasons for: -I didn't feel too bad then
-I am on a higher dose of medication now so it would make sense that I would be better
-I feel like I am suddenly better (eek emotional reasoning - not one to rely on!)
Reasons against: -I am unlikely to suddenly be completely better
-this has happened countless times before and then I have had really low moments, just like today in fact.
Balanced thought: I may be improving but it is a slow process and involves ups and downs along the way. The fact that this is a pattern that has been going on and on would suggest that it is not something I should be too worried by - why would this time be any different. Being alright would actually be a good thing. There is no point going over the past but I think other people would be very sure in saying that I have not been a fraud. And lazy? No doubt sometimes I am. But so are most people at times. But that does not define me as a lazy person. I am just a person who sometimes behaves in a lazy manner. But more often than not I am not even being lazy. I have depression. That is a far more logical explanation. Especially if I think how different I feel about some things I would never have been up to doing in the summer (and would have deemed myself lazy over). I think it shows that I often think I am lazy when it is part of depression. Slowly build up what I am doing perhaps but let's not jump into doing everything or feel guilty about the fact I'm not!

Thought: nobody loves me
Reasons for: -I didn't feel like people especially cared whether I stayed in Norwich or went
-certain people had not replied to texts/messages
-I feel unloved (it's that dodgy emotional reasoning again..)
-I feel like I am shutting my family out so losing the people who could give me the most love
Reasons against: -there are many nice things people do for me
-people have other things to sort out that aren't to do with affirming me
Balanced thoughts: the idea that nobody loves me based on a few examples is definitely an overgeneralisation. There are plenty of reasons to believe people do love me. I probably could do with letting my family into my life a bit more. But ultimately God loves me more than words can say. And He is the best being to be loved by!

Thought: I must be really boring
Reasons for: -I felt boring (emotional reasoning again!)
-I couldn't think what to say
Reasons against: -Alice said I wasn't boring
Balanced thought: maybe today's conversation wasn't the best but that doesn't make me a boring person. Everyone has times of being less interesting and given that I had been feeling pretty lousy, I think it is particularly understandable that I might struggle to be interesting for long. Anyway, our friendship is based on more than this one interaction. Also, why am I taking full responsibility for how the conversation went? It's a two way process!

Missing Lucy: I'm not entirely certain how to tackle this one. I question why I miss her so much. She is just another person. I have people I can speak to. I have people who like me. God loves me and God listens. I think there is an element of it being natural to miss people who have been a big part of your life and then aren't there. I think also that (as Lucy and I began to understand in CBT) I seek mother figures to give me the love and care I feel I need. Why can't I get this from my own mum? Well, this is why it would be good to become closer to my mum. A combination of circumstances led to me detaching myself from her. But then I attached myself to others. So it's no small wonder that I miss Lucy as she had somewhat taken on that role in my head. That makes me think I am weird but apparently I'm not. Would I call someone else in this situation weird? No, I would think it understandable. So lets stop having double standards. Anyway, all in all, I need to build up my relationship with my mum again.

Thought: I don't think I am doing this very well
Reasons for: -it is long
-it is boring
-I haven't covered everything
Reasons against: -I am being a perfectionist
-I can't cover everything
-I am using emotional reasoning again. Bad move.
Balanced thought: practice makes perfect. The purpose of this is to help me get better. It doesn't matter if it is boring, or long. I have covered as much as I can and, with time, things will be easier to write out. i cant expect to do a brilliant job first time. It does not make me any more or less of a person or any more or less loveable to have done this well or poorly.

Right, now to relax!