Day 59

Morning: d-3 a-2

I so did not want to wake up. Or get up. And I missed my bus by one minute so ended up being 20 minutes late for crèche. I decided it wasn't worth running after getting off the bus but then felt bad. I wondered whether I am really a Christian. I hope I am. I think my friends would say that the fact I am worrying about it indicates I am. And, more importantly, what does the Bible say? John 6:37b. But what if God hasn't given me to Jesus? But God is a God of love. He knit me together in my mother's womb. Why would he not want to save me?!

I started feeling upset that I didn't think Beka liked me. I was just not in a good mood.

Once I actually arrived at crèche though, things improved. Lydia showed me a lot of love :-) I did get quite tired and kind of was counting down till the end of it but it could have been a lot worse.

Afternoon: d-8 a-7, and evening: d-7 a-5

I went to a coffee shop for lunch and caught upon some writing. I didn't feel too bad. I didn't want to go to teach but I was no longer scared. I mainly focused on the here and now rather than worrying about it though, so that was good.

I couldn't answer very many people's questions and kept having to refer questions on. I felt pretty useless and embarrassed. I became pretty drained. There came a point where I just didn't know how I could keep going. A girl put her hand up. I need to go to that, I thought. But I can't face it - no, Laura, it will be fine, you might be able to answer it. I went and managed.

I went to sit down again as soon as I could. One of the other demonstrators said I looked like I was suffering. And I was: I didn't know how I was going to get through the next three hours. I decided to just try to zone out for the fifteen minute break that we got. I started considering going home.

I really wanted to leave but didn't know whether I could justify it. I thought about how I wasn't being any use anyway and how I would just not claim to get paid for today. But I can't just leave... Maybe I just needed to change my mindset. Like how it had been ok when I hadn't thought I could keep going but I had gone to answer the question anyway. But I wanted to leave. I became very stressed about seeing certain students and having to interact pleasantly with them. I didn't have the emotional space. I made the snap decision to leave. I'm not sure whether it was just because I had started entertaining the idea of leaving and then gave in to temptation after finding an excuse for myself or whether I genuinely was justified in excusing myself and heading home.

Either way, I began to feel very guilty. I was going over and over it in my head. I was trying to justify my early departure to myself but when I couldn't completely convince myself, I tried thinking about what it would mean if I had just been lazy. Should I be punished? Fired? Was I a criminal? A definite OCD cycle was going on. I tried to talk to several friends. I was persistent with my reassurance seeking. I thought I had made Lizzie dislike me and I thought other people were deliberately ignoring me. I became very depressed and lay there, yes closed, facing into the bed, attempting to hide from the world.

More negative thoughts occupied my head. I was too far into the negative cycle to be able to rescue myself from them, even when I could see they were irrational thoughts. I felt isolated and alone, unsure how to keep going. Life is too hard, I felt.

Everything felt rather dire. The news made me more depressed. As did seeing my housemates not having good days either. And technological issues. And peas exploding in the microwave.

Watching some TV now which is a good distraction...