Day 60

I don't really want to write about today. Some of it was fine and maybe that is why? I feel like a bit of a fraud. Or maybe it is because I don't really understand what I have been feeling? I don't know.

The morning was weird. I went to see the GP. I didn't really know how I felt, other than very fraudulent. She said I was clearly having a very difficult time. Half of me knows that is the truth but half of me thinks I am making things up. I do feel quite confused by it all. There didn't seem to be much she could do and I felt a bit bad towards her. She had got the letter from the psychiatrist and it asked for me to be re-referred to CBT. She said that couldn't happen and I felt very embarrassed about it all. She said I should try to keep myself active, cycling where possible. I felt anxious and guilty about this. She said that I should do everything I could to not retreat but to not feel guilty if I didn't manage to do something as I am going through a lot. I said I felt guilty as sometimes I feel ok.

I didn't go to Tyndale. I felt quite bad and like I was maybe just being lazy.

But I was quite glad to have a bit of a lie down.

Then I went to Lizzie's to play with Anna. That was nice and my mind was mostly taken off things, I think. I did get quite tired and then felt bad for being useless. I ate lots of cake!

I read a bit of a book on depression and Christianity. I started feeling overwhelmed by everything so had to stop.

Things do feel quite doom and gloom at the moment. I have a bit of a black cloud hanging over me and I keep having negative reactions to thoughts that come into my head...I'm going to get cancer, everyone is miserable, life is too stressful, I can't do it, I am rubbish, I am a fraud, I am lazy...

I wondered whether I could just bail this evening - going to Caroline's for Chinese - but did end up going. Some of it was ok but I was quite anxious and then felt bad that I was being rubbish in the group setting and probably annoying people.

Morning: d-5 a-5
Afternoon: d-2 a-3
Evening: d-4 a-5