Mock Spring

Today was kind of like a dress rehearsal for spring.
The daffodils and lambs are a bit thin on the ground. (To be honest I haven't even SEEN or HEARD a lamb at all yet and that's a bit crazy considering where we live!) and the ground is stupidly squidgy, but the sun was bright and powerful today, and the wind felt like a spring wind.

We went shopping for food this morning - just for a couple of days' worth of stuff because we were keen to get it over with. Then we had an early lunch and went off for a longer than usual stomp. We walked through the village and up the hill to Pickwell, then down and across the beach road to Putsborough, we went straight past the beach and up through Putsborough village. It took us over an hour and a half and our legs were aching when we got home, but Tess did really well and I'm so glad she didn't kick up /too much of/ a fuss.

Just before we set off for our walk the postman turned up with a new dog collar I'd ordered for Dylan. It's bright red and looks really striking against his black hair.

Apparently, shortly after we set off, our area experienced a small earthquake. We didn't notice a thing!

I'm really struggling with my anxiety and sensory irritability today. It's got worse since we got home and I started trying to find a psychologist online who will do my Asperger's assessment. I know I'm being rude and a useless family member tonight but since I found out that it takes 2 years to get an NHS assessment I've been determined to sort it out myself and I'm not getting anywhere. It seems there's not anywhere near enough provision for adults with Asperger's. I've sent emails and no one's replied so I'm feeling really jittery and disappointed.

I want this official. I want to be able to talk freely about how I'm feeling. I want to tell the kids why I am the way I am and I want to stop struggling so much. I just know I can do things so much better if and when I'm allowed to be honest.

No more hiding. No more pretending. No more holding back the tears until I burst. I am desperate to make something (however modest) of the rest of my life in a way that suits me and my family and yet I feel like I can see doors closing instead of opening.

Huge deep breaths...