Day 84

Morning: there wasn't really enough of it to rate! I slept and ate too much cereal until it was time to go into town for lunch with Hannah. I really didn't want to get up: I definitely wanted to sleep. But I fought the feelings and got up, hooray!

Afternoon: d-1 a-4

I was quite confused emotionally. Some of the time I was actually positively happy, but other times there were pangs of sadness. I worried quite a bit during my lunch with Hannah because it sounded like there were some pretty horrible things happening around her. In particular, when we were talking about another person who had just been diagnosed as depressed, I felt quite a lot of emotion.

I did an hour of work Tyndale and that was alright. I worried (of course) about the fact that I was feeling okay.

Then I went off to the GP, following the appointment last week where they had told me to come back as my normal doctor was away.

I was a little anxious about the appointment given that I haven't been feeling that bad today. When I went in she asked me how I was and I felt bit guilty as I may have made it sound like I was worse than I am. But I guess things have really been quite bad so maybe it was a fair approximation of how I have been.

Far from not much happening in the appointment (as I may have expected), I was shocked as she suggested the potential new diagnosis of bipolar. I have to say I know very little about bipolar disorder and my immediate reaction was that given that I never have 'high's, I didn't think I could have it. However, the GP said that you do not have to have highs in order to be diagnosed with it.

I think the reason they are thinking about it is that I have better and worse periods and the cyclic nature of my mood is like that of a sufferer of bipolar. In a funny way I would find it helpful if I do have it - instead of worrying about getting better, I would know that I was just going through a better patch and the 'security' of depression would be back. That sounds ridiculous though and part of me does have the perhaps more normal response of thinking 'help, am I going to have to be stuck like this forever?'.

As Alice very wisely reminded me, the purpose of any diagnosis is to help treat the condition. This potential diagnosis opens up a whole new possible range of treatments. I'm being referred to another psychiatrist. Scary times...

Evening: d-6 a-4

My mood definitely dipped and I felt quite alone. And very tired!