.

All day, through finding and burying a fledgling that didn't make it through last night's storm, through listening to coverage of the arrival of the first victims at Eindhoven Airport, the minute of silence, the songs on the radio, people grieving, feeling so very Dutch and so very alone, all day I thought: "But at least I get to do something GOOD tonight. Something that matters."
It helped.
Sure, I'm terrified of needles. Sure, the sight of my own blood nauseates me. But! A difference! Something positive on a day steeped in such, such sadness.

It was not to be.
Because I have lived my life in that Europe, the US deems me unsafe. The (very kind) lady who told me the news said: "If you had moved here in 1980 you would have been okay!"I said that the Beloved would have gone to jail though, because I'm sure marrying a 14-year old is illegal in most states. Especially if you are a 14-year old yourself.

I have issues with rejection. I have issues with feeling like I'm not good enough.
And suddenly all the shittiness of the day came flooding back and I have been in tears since we got back. No crackers and applejuice for me; I am unworthy.

The Beloved got to be the hero. It's fortunate he wears it well.