rushing past in a great woosh

After I took Erin to school this morning, I headed back in an old familiar direction. I didn't stop at the old familiar place, though. I am seeking comfort. I am unsettled over what may or may not happen in my future. The future is scary. I do feel very alone. Well, because I am very alone. This isn't the kind of alone that can be remedied with friends and family surrounding me and cheering me (I have that - I so have that). It's more of a realization that I hold it all in my hands, this future, and that is pretty damn scary. Also scary and somewhat contradicting: that I don't have total control over what will happen, because there are always other people involved, people with brains and agendas of their own. Suddenly, life is filled with risks, big risks that involve the possibility of hurt of great magnitude. I've been knocked down. I don't want to be knocked down again.

I have had vulnerability dreams one night after the next and a pounding headache for the past week, and I realize..... it's the divorce and the fact that my career is about to launch in a new direction. Why is it that big events in my career and relationship have happened so close together in recent years? Can't I just deal with one and then the other? But it seems that the big events must be magnetically disposed to one another. Does that sentence even make sense?

I am done with the last chapter, completely done and free to move about the cabin. No more remaining seating. But I can't get my butt out of this chair (proverbially). Life is waiting. But I'm just sitting here with my seatbelt fastened. Part of that is because of time. The other part is clearly fear and a sense of being overwhelmed at what might or might not happen. The art of letting go is beyond me. I've not mastered that. What will be will be. It is what it is.

But it all matters to me so very much.

5 things I'm thankful for today:
1) Erin has been helping out more around the house
2) Intervention. Man, that's a good show.
3) A gift from a very, very dear friend in the mail today
4) Good metabolism
5) Being able to work from home. I always wanted this.