I don't belong

Strange how the way we deal with grief is often what defines us, and we learn who we really are. The last 15 days have really shown me my true colours.
And they don't match with what society tells me they should be.

My way of grieving is my own. It would be disrespectful to grieve in a way that isn't true to how I feel.
If I cannot bring myself to attend a funeral, I won't go.
If I want to wear colour to a funeral, I will.
If I choose to get a tribute tattoo, I'll do it.

People around me have been questioning my motives, and I'm left wondering if my way of grieving is actually wrong.
With five deaths, and one friend missing in the space of 14 days, of course I am going to struggle. My non-attendance at a funeral doesn't mean I don't care. It just means that right now, I need to look after me. Which I'm sure this loved one would rather.
So, I wore jeans, and my lilac cons to one of the funerals. That means I'm disrespectful?
And upon telling a few people that I plan to get a tattoo dedicated to these five deaths, I'm being accused of using this devastating time for my own vanity.

I don't belong. I was content in who I am. But, now... I'm not so sure. Time for some soul-searching and self rediscovery, I think.

"I will never know myself until I do this on my own.
I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed.
I will never be anything 'til I break away from me.
I will break away. I'll find myself today."
~ Somewhere I Belong - Linkin Park