This week has been one of the lowest I have experienced.  I have struggled to do anything and at every opportunity I have been in bed. Emotionally I have been all over the place and in tears lots. A few little things have cropped up that normally I would be ok dealing with but this week I have made them monumental and it’s made me very upset.

Work is a huge dilemma. I was told back in December that if I am not back by the end of January I will lose my job. Being very aware that the end of January is very close I am not sure I am ready to return. But I definitely do not want to lose my job. Do I go back regardless of how I feel and struggle or maybe rise to the occasion or do I accept that I am about to lose my job. I phoned work to have a discussion only to find out that the owner is on holiday and not back until the end of January. The manager offered to email the owner asking her to phone me. So now I am in limbo waiting for the phone to ring.

I have had a few hospital appointments; one with the psychiatrist and two with the nurses. They have been a great support and have listened to my issues.

I had to admit to self -harming lots this week and have had suicidal thoughts, tablets have been very tempting; the cutting has stopped this progressing. Although I did say to the nurse this morning that if I was brave enough I would step out in front of a bus. I can’t cope with this. I feel so lonely.

After this mornings hospital appointment I went for a walk, delaying the amount of time in bed.