Beast of St Agnes attacks crowd

"It all happened so quickly," shrieked Demelza Curmudgeon as she limped away from the scene of the disaster.
Idiot Penworthal, leader of the Parish Council spoke from his official nuclear bunker beneath the Railway Inn. "There was no harm intended, we were in the middle of interrogating a suspected witch when this huge black monster descended on us, it was terrible, women and men fighting to throw each other at it."

News from survivors is scarce, some were so traumatised they left burning roll ups and cans of Carlsberg on the hill top. Reports of stoned and drunken rabbits and foxes have yet to be confirmed.

This readers is the scene at St Agnes Beacon (34) approximately 600' above sea level at 1250 this afternoon. Your reporter was being carried towards the beacon area by a party of Newlyn fishermen determined to see if they could throw him from the top of the hill when suddenly all work on the fire and flags stopped. A huge black shape descended squawking silently from the encroaching sea fog. When it had gone, so had the crowd of visitors from that London and several local worthies released on a curfew from Bodmin nick.

The beacon, which is to the right of the flags will still be lit, in memory of those who were lost, also there are several nasty barstewards bound and gagged beneath the first twenty pallets, or so I am reliably informed. "Crime in the area has plummeted to an all time low within the last 24 hours," sniggered Sgt Donut Crossme, from Perranporth.

The hangings, drownings,whippings,dunkings trials continue.