There goes the fear

There was a story in the news recently of a boy who was safely recovered after being swept out to sea. 

A lot of people lose their lives because they panic, they start flailing around, reaching for any life lines they can lay their hands on and desperately, desperately they try to swim against the tide, before eventually succumbing to exhaustion. 

This remarkable young boy had remembered some advice he had picked up along the way that the best thing to do when being swept away, is not to fight against it, conserve your energy by floating on your back and quite literally go with the flow and spend your energy calling out for help.

The crux of it: fear and our reactions to it.

This has been on my mind lately because I have been fearful. I fear that I am losing part of my children (I am not) and I fear that I may be on my own for the rest of my life (the jury is out on that one) because I fear that I had the chance to retake my shot in my second marriage and missed (when in reality the target moved).

The fear of losing my children and the fear of loneliness has led to some bad decision making on my part, and good people who I willingly invited in to my life only to reject them have been hurt by my flailing attempts to grab a lifeline for which I am of course deeply sorry. 

Having some time away in York over the last couple of days, has given me precious “me time” away from work and the trappings/distractions of home and freeing up some valuable computing space in my overclocked mind, has enabled me to come to a couple of startling (to no one but me) revelations/decisions. I’m blaming the towering calm and majesty of York Minster for this by the way, hence the photo (+extras).

So, here we go:-

Stop flailing around. You’re exhausting yourself and we know where that leads. You’ll go under.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Lean back, let the flow take you and own the fear.



My children – The Eldest: we’re good. I’ve told her that I’ve some making up to do to her and she will exploit this. As she should. As for the wee ones, they video called me from their holiday this morning because they were missing me. WTF?! Why was I even worrying on this one? D*ckhead. 

The loneliness (Part 1) – See above. I have people who depend on me almost as much as I depend on them. Yes, I may be lonely from time to time, but it’s never going to be for too long. They will need feeding. And money. The purchase of a knackered Ford Fiesta is on the not too distant horizon.

The loneliness (Part 2) – Remember, if you want to be rescued, you still need to shout for help and in those low, desperate moments when I have done just that, my friends and family have been there. To be honest, most of the time I haven’t needed to open my mouth, they’ve reached out and found me. 

It’s ok. Don’t pull me back into the lifeboat just yet, just let me float on the waves for a moment longer. 

I’m not scared anymore.