It was just Greg, Mary and I at Stanage popular end today. Mary used to climb with Greg ten or so years ago, before she joined the club, and after I'd followed on one route it was just the two of them who carried on climbing. I didn't want to do any more so I watched them, and others, for a while and then walked back to the car. I don't know what's the matter with me, I couldn't really be bothered.

On the way there I'd been thinking about climbing and wondering whether to give up leading... or even climbing altogether.  It used to be that I'd lead a route and be really pleased with myself when I got to the top, now I just feel relief.

It may be that I feel this way because I've fallen off twice in two years, which isn't very good and perhaps I should stop before I seriously damage myself.

I do tend to overthink things - I can thank Dad for that - but I don't think it's helpful in this situation. I'd like to be able to approach each route with an open mind, and remain in the present without thinking about how much better I did it last time, or that I'm not sure I can finish it.

The only route I climbed today was a bit of a struggle near the top at the crux, a hand jam was necessary so that you could walk your feet up - perfectly normal on grit - but I wasn't confident. I did it, but I wasn't happy. And the thing is that I've lead it twice, in Oct 2016 and October 2017. How!?!

Sorry for the slightly disjointed ramble, I wanted to put some thoughts down.

Fi and I are supposed to be going to Borrowdale soon, to climb if it's not raining, but we're waiting to see what BJ has to say about it.