Irrelevant & Sensitive

Gleetings ! Gravesend calling ! Condition Red, repeat; Condition Red !

So, Count Bishop has infiltrated the Beam Me Up Scotty Machine with his friend Reg Niblick: it is Gravesend’s Topmost Secret and the Count believes they can programme it to shift Gravesend 42 dimensions to the left, where The Dastardliness did not and cannot ever occur not even partly.

Calmly, the Count deploys the Theresa May Death Stare while Reg dances the Hully Guly in super slow motion. This causes the vital pulses of the Beam Me Up Scotty Machine to synchronize perfectly with the very slowly pounding beat of Reg’s imaginary rock and roll…

“Lawks !” cries the Count “My hair is transcending to ultra red...I sense it will itself shift to another dimension entirely, spontaneously, causing the space time continuum to become deranged beyond control...Gravesend will be hurled to the Wild Blue Yonder in nano seconds and chaos will ensue !”

Of course, the Beam Me Up Scotty Machine has a hot-line to none other than Sir Picanuper Troll who, although he has not yet had his lunch, is able to deduce their predicament all but instantaneously and calmly, masterfully, issue instructions.

“Ah, yes. “ he says. “grasp the Flanged Mashie slider and push firmly to 11...Irrelevant & Sensitive…
unfasten the Baffing Spoon... Irrelevant & Sensitive … Irrelevant & Sensitive … strobbleration of the yibbler… Irrelevant & Sensitive


“You have been a very stupid...er, Bishop...yes, that’s what. But, see: you now have the finest red hair that ever was. You have added greatly to the sum of knowledge ! And it’s almost lunchtime ! Have a medal.”

“Crikey !” says Count Bishop, blushing. “My hair is a new world record ! Reg, Reg, isn’t it marvelous ?”

But Reg was looking to his left and right, carefully, fearfully.

“Count”...he whispered. “I have become a golfing genius…”

“Crivens !” says Count Bishop…

(The End. They will live happily ever after.)

Walk Tall !