Morning Moon

An early start this morning; up at 4.05am. Watched the moon fall below the flats opposite me, this was just after 6 am I think.

A complete waste of time at the GP this morning. I built myself up to telling her and being as honest as I could. I said I knew it was wrong what I was doing and didn’t want to be doing it. Her reply; it’s not wrong (!), it’s just your coping mechanism. She asked me what I did to distract myself from doing it. I said I wasn’t distracting myself, I was just doing it. She told me to exercise when I felt like self harming, and because I have only being doing it since the weekend she’s not that concerned! She asked if I was using a certain implement, I wasn’t but she has given me ideas.

So, at 4am when I want to do it, I’ll just get dressed and go for a run! I think not.

She has given me a stronger anti depressant (which I have had to get the chemist to order for me as nobody has that strength) and told me to speak to my counsellor.
She did give me a name of a book that I could read; on Mindfullness…….it’s ok I’ve already got one!

I feel so let down and alone in this. I want to get better; I don’t want to be thinking about cutting myself all day and looking forward to getting home for that purpose.

Everything is getting on top of me tonight, I feel so agitated and jumpy. I have to finish packing, sort out what’s for tea and do a wash. I know it’s not a lot but it feels huge to me.

I am off down to Gosport to stay with a friend tomorrow until Tuesday. That could be a mistake or it could be great. May phone blip or wait until I get back to backblip.