If a 911 and Daihatsu Sirion Mated...

"Hello? Oh, yes. Erm, I'd like to speak to you about getting one of your cars please?"

"Certainly sir, which model interested you? We have the sportscar for people with no imagination and a lot of money; the slightly cheaper sportscar that does, I'm afraid, come with the caveat that to drive it you must be blonde, vacant and be employed in the follicular amendment industry; or the pointless and ugly SUV that betrays the long and illustrious history of the marque."

"Oh, it would be the last one please. I saw someone driving one the other day and he looked terribly important. Can I ask how m..."

"Sir, if you have to ask it's unlikely I can help you. But there is a simple way to determine affordability. Check your bank account, and if your money outweighs the amount of sense you have by at least 10 to 1 then we may be able to do business."

"I'm afraid I've forgotten my PIN number. It happened 4 years ago when we cashed in the stock options. I don't actually know how much money I have."

"Perfect sir."

"Oh. Right. There was one... Little.... Thing..."

"Yes sir?"

"I'm a bit of a tosser and I was wondering..."

"Oh no sir. No barrier at all. In fact it's positively encouraged, and our car should be able to help you cement that reputation quite nicely. We do recommend purchasers also consider a personalised number plate to put, shall we say, the cherry on top."

"Brilliant! I've already got one! It's got my initials on it. Tee Oh Dee."

"That would be ideal sir. Means nothing to anyone else, and also hints obliquely at your onanist tendencies. Can I ask where you are based sir?"

"Edinburgh."

"Ah yes, we've sold quite a number there already. There's a very competitive market there as well, but I can guarantee you that with our car you will be the envy of everyone shallow enough to think that your car defines you."

"So I'll be better than all my friends then."

"Undisputably sir. Better than both of them."