Day 80

I have again been haunted by a bad dream. In it, someone I know was extremely angry with me and however much I keep telling myself 'they are not upset with me, it was just a dream', it is just hanging over me making me feel it was real. It is adding to the feeling of people not liking me. I think helping at crèche (as I did this morning) always makes me feel a bit on my own as all the mums rush off and I have to go off home/into the world on my own again. The feeling wasn't too intense today, but enough to not be very pleasant.

In crèche itself I didn't have much energy (probably hadn't had enough sleep as I stayed up too late last night) but felt that familiar guilt and anxiety about being OK. I was disappointed that I wasn't feeling more sad about missing Lucy. I almost wanted to dwell on things that had been bothering me to get me really hopeless. I had to keep reminding on my way home that not feeling like I have been feeling can ONLY be a GOOD thing! This isn't much fun but it is far more bearable than the place I have been in. It feels ridiculous and selfish to be stressed that I don't feel too low today. But I think that this whole mix of depression and anxiety makes everything confusing. And not just for everyone else! But God knows my mind and I am trying (largely failing) to trust him with now and the future.

I felt a bit guilty about coming home for the afternoon as I suspected I was only going to start feeling very low if I went to bed. I thought maybe I could do something productive so after having a bit of a sleep, I persuaded myself to do some CBT work. That certainly did lower my mood. And made me miss Lucy again! And then that just leads into a whole other lot of confusion about CBT in the future. Do I need to be referred again or is it just that I can't cope with not seeing Lucy?

I was feeling glad that I would be getting out this evening to see Alice but as the time drew closer got scared and felt too vulnerable myself to cope with her being miserable as I had thought she might be. Thankfully we had a good time together although I think we were both pretty tired.