Day 81

I was not in a good mood when I got up but was pleased that I was going to see Katherine to talk about things. It was raining and while I waited for the bus I tried to capture the pretty circular ripples in the puddles as the rain splashed in them. My iPad quickly became wet and there was no hope of getting a photo with any clarity. In an attempt to see whether I could photograph the light refracting through the raindrop on the camera lens, I took this picture. The whole light idea didn't work out but I quite liked the way it shows how invisible I ended up feeling at the 'formal hall' I went to at my old college with some friends in the evening.

I managed just over an hour at Tyndale in the afternoon. I noticed how it was alright for a while but towards the end I felt I was going a bit crazy. Going through books endlessly, putting labels on them is probably going to have that effect though!

Seeing Katherine in the morning was good. She challenged me when I was struggling to believe that I would get to heaven (for whatever reason), who am I going to listen to: God, the rational side of my brain and what my friends say OR what OCD is telling me and the lies of the devil? I think that does help. She reminded me how much God loves me and why he loves me. It is not about what I do or don't do. Jesus has done it all.

She also said about how God is all about relationships and how wonderful it is to be part of the church family, loving each other. Sometimes when I feel nobody cares, I could try doing something nice for someone, she proposed. Loving often makes you feel better.

We talked a bit about the whole guilt and worry about getting better and my worry about getting physically ill. She helped me see that Hebrews 4:16 can help me massively. God will always provide the grace I need. She also thought it was understandable that I worry about being better. That is reassuring.

On the issue of how much work I should be doing, she didn't have an answer but she suggested that when I wake up each day I think about how I can love people that day. That is quite a lot more motivating than feeling trapped by what I have to do.