Night ou, but no film.

I'm back in loss mode. I need to find a way out of it but I don't know the path. Intellectually I know that I have much and that I should focus on that long, long list of positives but emotionally I still have a huge cavernous hole, which I can only paper over, not fill in, and that's been gradually reopening over the last few months and collapsed, like a sinkhole inside me, in the last few days. And so I focus on what is lost and will never return, what cannot happen. A future wrenched from me and given to another. And I don't know why and that is still the bit that hurts like a red hot poker inside me, not knowing why. Strangely what I saw and read last night helped, catharsis. It made me feel stronger, for a short time until I woke at 4 after barely 2 hours sleep. And this self inflicted mental torment means I keep pressing my personal self destruct button and that then means I feel worse about myself and the downwards spiral continues. Lack of sleep does not help. The dark place where I am now is not a good place and that blackness colours how I see everything else and how I interact with the rest of my life, including how I think I'm doing at work.

Aaagh!!! I need to take my own advice, ignore/bury what I have no control over and concentrate on the bits I can influence, control which, with one exception is TOTALLY in my control, are all positive. Sorry my friends for offloading. This is really for me, not you.

So after a difficult day at work following yesterday's excesses and a lack of sleep it was an evening with Al. And that always makes me feel better. As usual we hung out at the Filmhouse but not a film was watched. I drank fresh orange, 1 spritzer and a coffee and Allan was on the Erdinger Dunkal. He is in a good place which is great and we talked about that a bit and much else besides. Fingers crossed that all his plans c work out. It's deserved.

It was a warm night and I walked a little way up the road, not as far as I should have but better than standing waiting for a bus. So tired, so tired.

Maybe I need a holiday, with a new granddaughter.