She's a sad tomato

been asleep for years

6:28 a.m

It is too dark outside, I am assuming this means there is a thunder storm approaching. If this is indeed what it means, I am grateful. I want it to rain hard, and really give everything a good washing. The trees are in full tilt now, a verdant rococo dream. There is a chill in the air- perfect.

All I know is that I slept for hours and hard. I think I fell a sleep around 7 pm or so and slept until 11pm. I woke up confused, realized that I didn't eat dinner, so I took swig of soy milk out of the carton and decided that was good enough and went back to sleep- and now here I am. My eyes are puffy from this heavy sleep, my joints are stiff. I feel all of my 38 years and then some.

Let's see what do I remember from yesterday...Always looking back.

There was a walk, a blip and blog. There was a moment where I went from a happy silly Cure link and I morphed into a sad Nancy Sinatra. I started thinking that there must be more to me than art, walks, weather reports, and soy based meat. My mood shifted suddenly. Then there was the studio- oh yes, I worked on a smaller painting, and then started a large painting. I listened to sad music on my stereo at full blast. My door rattled loudly, my studio mate was flustered- he didn't know how to ring up a sale, could I help.. of course... (some frustration at my interrupted flow in painting- but what can I do?)

Got that worked out, returned to painting. I could feel the this edge behind my skin, this pent up something that needed to get out. What all was I holding back? I paced around the room. I jumped up and down in time to the music. I have an industrial rubber mat in front of my easel and it gives a bit of bounce, relief from the harsh concrete floors. I am painting but nothing is jelling, but I am just happy to be working- it can turn into something later, for now I just have to show up and move paint around.

Small talk with studio mates later in the day. Turn down an invitation for drinks again. This time my friend is a bit put off. I have met this type of resistance in the past when I have tried to take care of myself. I would love to have a drink, it has been that kind of day. But, it is not time yet. Superstitious thoughts are forming in my head. Why am I doing this? I miss my drinking buddies, I miss talking shit at the end of the day. Turn down a slice of cheese pizza too... Just say no- what a gross motto.

I know it is all about balance, something I have never been good at. I can feel the shift in me wanting to shake things up, when my life is healthy it seems to be repetitive and bland. I know this is not completely true... Anyway, enough of this. I could talk in circles. I know that I am on the edge and I just have to watch myself now. April has been good to me, I have been in a pretty good mood, and feeling some sense of hope- I would like to maintain this. I know this is impossible, but that doesn't mean it is time to create drama in my life. I better stop this self conscious rattling, take a photograph and play some music...