Between the gap

Around this point a couple of years ago and having been on a mild dose of anti-depressants, I decided that I didn’t want to be on them anymore.

Whilst they helped with the terrifying lows, they robbed me of the dizzying highs and as it transpired, the reason for taking them at that point was something of a false positive. I’ve described taking anti-depressants before as like having a soft veil layered over your synapses. It doesn’t stop them firing, but they’re just a little less erratic and the impact is softened.

In short, they placed my brain in mind purgatory. Which is OK. It’s not good, it’s not bad. It’s just a bit…..meh. I’m looking for a little more from life than just “meh”, so, I took my time, exercised a little patience and weaned myself off them, eventually becoming the reliable, stable* person I am today.

I feel like I now have a grip on the depressive elements of my personality, able to recognise the triggers, take a breath and bring myself back on an even keel on those cloudier days.

Depression’s errant sibling; Anxiety, however has continued to plague me and despite reading books, practicing techniques and exercises, I just couldn’t shift the pervading sense of dread. I’m not daft, I know the pandemic will have played a large part in this, but it had started prior to lockdown and I just wanted rid of it. 

 I conferred with a doctor too and asked if there was a way to get in the gap between depression and anxiety and break the cycle. She said that he was more of a filler-type person and could I hold still while she did my top lip otherwise I’ll never get the killer pout I came in for*. The more helpful response from my GP was beta blockers, but due to having asthma (even the most unbelievably mild kind) this was not a runner, so a different SSRI was prescribed, which turned out to be another type of anti-depressant.

I left the prescription unfilled for a week, whilst I mulled it over. I talked it through with Simmo and rationalised that it was just a chemical imbalance, right? Surely, I could just pop a pill to balance the scales? Eventually, I decided to give them a try.  

A couple of weeks on from that with the mind clouding over again, sleep pattern trashed and starting to feel anxious about the state of my anxiety, I elected not to lapse into a Christopher Nolan-esque state of being and did away with the pills.

With the mind now free of the haze and actually able to focus again, I realise that I’ve spent so much time trying to beat something that is so obviously deeply ingrained in me, when instead I should have been focussing my limited energy on accepting that it’s just part of who I am and learning to live with it better.

I am dunkyc and I worry about stuff a lot more than I probably should.

I’m good with it. 


Oh, and today’s photo of Connie the Caterpillar has nothing to do with any of the above, it was the only useable one I took today!

*this is a lie.