Bipolar Disorder: Difficult for most to grasp

I gave posting this some deep thought. I decided it might provide some insight to the brain of those who suffer from serious mental illness, in my case,
Bipolar I Disorder.
*side note...Laurie has bipolar. Yes.
                     Laurie is bipolar? No, she is not

You will think what happened today was a major overreaction; and it would have been for me, too, if I had a "normal" brain.

Today, I experienced one of my most common triggers.

Change

I can't handle it at all. For instance, my regular appointments have to be at the same time and day.
Church club #1: First Sat/month, 2:00
Church club #2: Third Thurs/month, 4:00
Therapist: Tues 11:00-12:00
Lab appts: Wed 1:30
Haircuts: on Saturdays only
Madera Canyon: Casita #2
You get the idea.
Breaking routine=Change=unbearable

The day began with me having a video chat with B and H regarding the 2nd new R7 camera I've received. Verdict: broken - send back. In order to have one before I go on my next trip on 31 May, I had to order and pay for another new one while I wait for the refund. So, several thousand dollars making my bank account very angry. [Stress/Financial triggers?]

I have lived here for 16 years. In that time, I have had 8 different primary care providers. Taking into consideration that I had one for five years, that leaves 7 providers in 11 years. I have also seen 5 different NPs/Docs there since October because when I really need to see mine, I can't get an appointment.

I had an appointment with my current NP to follow up on the blood clot in my arm that has yet to dissolve. As soon as she said she had bad news to share, I got up, walked over to the counter, banged my hands on it (repeatedly) and set my head down. "You're leaving!" I (kinda) shouted.

"Yes," she said. I had only been seeing her since the beginning of this year. Freaking Groundhog Day. That was my breaking point.

I stepped outside and let out a couple of primal screams. That's what helps me release anger and stress. (It's better than throwing things or punching walls, right?) But I realized that I was in no condition to drive. So, I returned to the office, did some more yelling and was generally a scary pain in the butt. Then I sat down, muttering to myself. I  proceeded to continuously bang a bottle of water on my leg. I now have the blood thinner bruise to prove it. Imagine lots of fidgeting and creating miscellaneous annoying sounds.

I eventually sat in my car. Before too long, I saw four Deputy Sheriff cruisers in the lot. I knew they were there for me. It wasn't as bad as it could have been, or has been in the past.  When one of the Deputies got close, I opened the window and asked if he was looking for me, which of course he was.

Though still quite agitated, it was clear that I wasn't a physical threat, so all but that Deputy left. He was kind and let me ramble on incoherently and very emotionally for what seemed like forever...even bringing me a cold bottle of water. After determining that I wasn't a danger to myself or others, i.e, suicidal or homicidal, he gave me the number of a local crisis line.

When I got home, I had a hard time coping. Deets not important. I did call the line. Didn't help much.

I eventually turned my attention to the next day's back procedure. Thinking about how very painful it was the last time, and going through with it without my cardiologist's knowledge or approval, sent me into another spiral. Unfortunately, all of that angst poured out at the pain center Friday at the expense of the doctor's medical assistant.

That's why I used Reno brother's photos to replace the "Adios, Amigos" sign I originally blipped. I was failing to cope, still, and thought the sign was sending the wrong message.

As of today (Saturday, 13 May), I'm feeling more stable but it would be really nice to talk to one of my brothers about it. Both reached out to check on the back procedure. In the text to Albuquerque brother and partner, as well as the call I just had with Reno brother, I mentioned I was having a difficult time with my bipolar disorder. Both changed the subject (as I start to cry again). I didn't expect any other reaction but I thought I should try. This was in my mom's wheelhouse, even with Alzheimer's.


The link above includes a lot of my triggers. One is light stimulation. It's a big part of why it's hard for me to comment on blips and why I almost quit when the background was changed from grey to white.

Thanks for letting me share.  I know that you all care and wish me well so don't feel it necessary to say - or to say anything. I know that sometimes words are hard.